Global Warming Stress Syndrome Increasing, Psychologist Says

There has been a disturbing increase in Global Warming Stress Syndrome (GWSS, pronounced gwiss) according to Dr. Ron N. Hyde, a clinical psychologist at the prestigious McKitrick Center for the Especially Disturbed.

“Since April, there is been a 32.817% increase in public cases of GWSS,” he explained. “The rate now is almost double what it was this time last year.” He added the trend was very worrying to his colleagues.

According to literature provided by the McKitrick Center, GWSS was at first a disease confined to academics, where it was thought to be controllable. But somehow it became public in the mid 1990s and struck those whose minds were weakest and easiest to influence, such as celebrities. Since GWSS is communicable, the next to be infected were those in the media in contact with celebrities.

“Entertainment news reporters have become increasingly integrated into ordinary news organizations, which made it easier to disseminate much-needed celebrity gossip and tittle-tattle. But it also meant that ordinary reporters soon became infected,” explained the brochure.

“After the mainstream media contracted GWSS, it was only a matter of time before politicians displayed symptoms of GWSS.”

Dr. Hyde described typical symptoms: “A belief that mankind causes every bad event, excessive hand-wringing, frequent bowel movements, a tendency to lurk on internet message boards and post things such as, ‘There is a consensus! There is a consensus!’, an irrational desire to measure one’s personal ‘carbon footprint.'” But the most worrying of all is the, “Urge to make idiotic comments in public tying global warming to any event.”

As examples, he cited Loch Ness Monster hunter Robert Rines, who has publicly claimed that global warming has killed the monster, which is why nobody can find it.

And the recent comments of New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg who likened global warming to terrorism. Bloomberg said, “terrorists kill people” and global warming “has the potential to kill everybody.” “We should go after terrorists every place in this world, find them and kill them, plain and simple,” Bloomberg said.

Dr Hyde explained, “All the classic manifestations are there. Mayor Bloomberg didn’t actually say—yet—that we should hunt down and kill those who exhale exorbitant amounts of carbon dioxide, but he implied it.” At the United Nations forum where Bloomberg spoke, also in attendance were film actress Daryl Hannah and Virgin Atlantic Airways founder Richard Branson. “It’s always the contact with celebrities that does it,” Hyde explained. Bloomerg’s statements are “strong evidence of a seriously addled mind.”

Dr. Hyde ended his statement on an ominous note, “So far, there is no known cure for GWSS.”

For the record, the only official program Mayor Bloomberg has announced so far is to reduce the use of hardwoods on city park benches.