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Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows

54 Comments

A new study by scientists has suggested that zombie attacks might increase if the current projections of global warming are realized. “If the earth gets warmer, it means longer springs, summers, and falls, and shorter winters,” said John Carpenter-Romero, Ph.D., a zombie-ologist who co-authored the study. “And shorter winters means more time for the undead to prey on the populace.”

Dr. Harrister, the other co-author, and head of Zombie Robotics at Wayward Robot, Inc., explained that cold winters typically stalled the walking dead. “It is well known that zombies can’t operate in cold weather. It freezes their brains.”

The pair calculated a 32.782412% increase in zombie attacks if CO2 increased to twice its pre-industrial rate. “Clearly, this is a very troubling result,” said Dr. Harrister, “If we don’t do something soon, the streets will be filled with blood.”

Update: be sure to read the follow-up post: Zombies no joke, global warming can cause anything.

54 Comments

  1. Jon
    January 31, 2008,

    Ha ha ha! Bravo!

  2. Raven
    January 31, 2008,

    The study did not take into account the effect of global warming on the zombie’s habitat. This is a concern since zombies, by nature, only seek human prey if they are forced out of their lairs. This means GHG producing humans must shoulder any blame for deaths that result from these helpless displaced zombies

    More importantly, computer models show that the zombie habitat will be completely gone in 100 years which will certainly lead to their extinction as a species. We must act now and place zombies on the endangered species list to ensure that this tragedy does not come to pass.

  3. Dr. Harrister
    February 1, 2008,

    Leading researches agree that zombies have no “lair” and wander about the landscape in search of “delicious” brains.

    Professor Ackers of the German Institute of Zombie Research found that they follow their pre-undeath patterns.

  4. Flea
    February 1, 2008,

    The good news is that zombies have a significantly lower carbon footprint than living humans. For example, if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore his utility usage and air travel would go from several hundred tonnes of carbon per year to zero tonnes of carbon per year. There would be considerable emissions as his corpse underwent processes of decay but this in turn would be offset by reduced flatulence.

    Generalize these figures across the population and we can see an inverse relationship between zombie attacks and carbon emissions leading in time to a reduction or reversal of warming trends and consequently of favorable zombie habitat. A new stable state might be brought about within a matter of decades provided zombie outbreaks can be encouraged in heavy emitting states including mainland China.

  8. Benjamin T. Cuddy
    February 1, 2008,

    This is another perfect example of the liberal media in this country!! My father actually worked with, and herded , zombies in the wild before becoming interested studying their habitats and tendencies. He received his degree from Rutgers in 1977, and since then has done exhaustive research on the North American Zombie (even there mating habits, which he later wrote he found repulsive, yet strangely erotic), and these claims simply are not true, if anything in the last 12-15 years there has been a dramatic DECREASE in zombie attacks, Does science and common sense mean nothing to these peolple !?

  9. McGehee
    February 1, 2008,

    Pshaw! If zombie activity has decreased, how do you explain the outcomes of recent elections?

    Zombie voters, I tell you!

  11. DHMO
    February 1, 2008,

    Well I was not concerned about Zombies until this research. I have just spent a sleepless night worrying about it. Dr Harrister at what temperature should I go and hide? Also do you know of any research on Bunyips regarding the effects of increased temperature. I’m from Australia and they are believed to be about down here. Our Bureau of Metrology here reported that 2007 was the hottest recorded year ever and 1.68 degrees hotter than something.

  12. Orion
    February 1, 2008,

    For example, if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore

    You mean he hasn’t already?

  14. Ignorance is Bliss
    February 2, 2008,

    …but this in turn would be offset by reduced flatulence.

    Reduced flatulence? I don’t know about you, but brains always make me gassy.

  15. Dr. Harrister
    February 2, 2008,

    @DHMO It is not a matter of the temperature, solely. It is dependent on two main things, the temperature and the number of wild zombies. The Agency of Undeath Services (AUS) states that at any given moment there can be 10-20 wild zombies without any major risk. But as temperature rises, the number will lessen. We calculated that the number will be about 5-10 by 2032. At the moment there are about 12 wild zombies that are being hunted by the AUS.

    Other factors include gun control, military power and sexy teenagers investigating haunted houses that decide, “hey! let’s split up!”

  16. Mutinousdoug
    February 2, 2008,

    Let me get this straight…
    They don’t like being out in the sun but they can’t stand the cold? Most of the ones I see were walking around in rags; not a whole sweater in the bunch.
    I don’t think this species is nearly as fragile as you people are making them out to be.

  17. zombyboy
    February 2, 2008,

    Global warming is just part of the evil plan for zomby world domination. And, frankly, some of us are tired at having to burn Java Logs night after night.

  18. will.see
    February 2, 2008,

    I agree with I.i.B. Brains are a spongey kinda consistency, much like re-fried beans. You’d think the toot effect would be rather high…

  19. the debator
    February 2, 2008,

    This is just another example of a an antti-zombie shill. Follow the money, he is obviously a plant by the democrats.

  22. Demesure
    February 3, 2008,

    Darfour is a vivid (so to say) example of zombieland: hot like hell and full of zombies. We should act, NOW, to cool the world.

  23. ?????
    February 4, 2008,

    i liked the idea that most of the biggest companies work for green O2

  26. Zombie
    February 5, 2008,

    Oooooooaaaaaaaah………….. Waaarm……….. BRRRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

  27. Administrator
    February 5, 2008,

    If anything can make you despair about the fate mankind, take a look at this snippet from my webserver’s log file today:

    24.158.216.235 – – [05/Feb/2008:14:43:46 -0800] “GET /blog/index.php/2008/01/31/zombie-attacks-might-increase-due-to-global-warming-study-shows/
    REFERRER
    “http://www.google.com/search?q=recent+zombie+attacks”

    The emphasis is mine.

    Is there something happening out there that I don’t know about?

  28. Helen
    February 8, 2008,

    What? I would have thought that increased sombie attacks would be blamed on George Bush! Everything else is!

  29. Bill
    February 11, 2008,

    RE: “…helpless displaced zombies…”

    Hopefully, a guest worker program is in the works.

  31. c'est moi
    February 16, 2008,

    I had a zombie once. Her name was “Fluffy”.

  33. Quitarias
    February 22, 2008,

    As someone stated we must work to cool the world down.For this purpose i propose than the world is dunked in cool-aid.And as we all know cool-aid is one of the coolest beverages.This is proven by it being named after the word cool.

    So i sugest that everyone march down to your nearest wallmart or something other store and buy some cool-aid.

  34. urban_complex
    February 22, 2008,

    Dude… you’ll never survive not knowing how to spell Kool-Aid correctly…. how would you ever locate it in say, a Wal-Mart during mass chaos? You’ll be looking all over for some shit called cool -aid that dosent exsist while we’re all rackimg up on guns and ammo… drinking our Kool-Aid… lets come back down to reality shall we

  35. john
    March 9, 2008,

    It’s a well known fact that the AA-12 was developed specifically to deal with the escalating zombie problem. The wider angle of projectile dispersion negates the need for pin-point Head-Shots, thus allowing a greater proportion of the general population to adequately defend themselves.

  38. kay
    March 19, 2008,

    this should be interesting as we have so many in government spots already and no one has noticed yet….will this make them more blood thirsty, more sleepy, more dopey?……

  39. Mike N
    March 19, 2008,

    “Zombie voters, I tell ya!”

    Why not? We have Zombie candidates don’t we?

  40. OBloody Hell
    March 21, 2008,

    > if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore his utility usage and air travel would go from several hundred tonnes of carbon per year to zero tonnes of carbon per year.

    True, true. But that would be the only way to tell if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore. There would be no other detectable difference.

  41. OBloody Hell
    March 21, 2008,

    “A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity.”
    – Sigmund Freud, General Introduction to Psychoanalysis

    “I’ve been working on a theory that premature hair loss is caused by sexual dysfunction.”
    “But you blame everything on sexual dysfunction.”
    “No, I blame ignorance on an abnormally small penis.”
    – dialogue from the comic book ‘Flesh Gordon’-

    Al Gore’s must be microscopic.

  45. joe
    April 7, 2008,

    I belive if we dont equip the public with gernades and battle rifles like the ones in halo they might be able to respawn very quickly which may lead to humans scoring 100 or more points per death match which would lead to extensive thumb oprerations which would de evolves back into monkeys something must be done to stop the madness of gory brain eaters

  50. Ted Annonson
    September 1, 2008,

    I would think that any warming would increase the rate of decay, so the population of zombies would decrease rapidly.

  52. Anonymous
    March 6, 2009,

    There was recently a decapitation near my home. We have every reason to believe that it was an attack. Please research the following. http://digg.com/world_news/Man_Decapitates_Son_To_Save_His_Soul_2

    This happened right down the street from us. The news people here changed the story from the child biting the wife’s hand and the dad retaliating, to the dad cut the wife trying to stop the man from committing the gruesome act.

    Also, please look into the recent spurs of chimpanzee attacks in the news (LOOK VERY CAREFULLY, PLEASE)

  53. Alex Siegfried
    March 8, 2009,

    Zombies aren’t a species!

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