I have told this, my favorite joke, at locations the world over. It may be that I have not mastered the timing, or the art of the simultaneous eyebrow waggle-punch line delivery, but this joke never fails to not produce a laugh.
These two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
At one of the farthest reaches from home, I related this tale to a group. An hour passed and then somebody spoke up (not in English). As it was translated to me, “I thought about it and I thought about it. But I just don’t see why this joke is funny.”
As the Duke had it, never apologize, never explain. It is not only a sign of the weakness of the joke, but a personal failing as well. If somebody doesn’t laugh at your tale, you must make them feel it is their fault, not yours. That your humorous depths cannot be penetrated except by the keenest and most perspicacious of minds, the kind of mind your listener evidently does not have.
So since I am still busy, I thought this would be an opportune time to let us air our best bad jokes. Tell them below, and may the most obscure win.
It’s a famous cartoon really: two hippos are lying in a pool under the hot African sun. One turns to the other and says, “I keep thinking it’s Tuesday”.
I tend to use it as a sort of litmus test. If they laugh they’re my sort of people. If not then fare thee well.
Hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? Laid awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Q: How do you make Swedish meatballs?
A: Retarded pigs.
Q: What’s gray and comes in quarts?
A: Elephants.
Two vultures are feasting on carrion in the hot desert sun. One turns to the other and says “you know, it just doesn’t get any better than this”.
Obligatory Aggie joke:
They were doing some demolition for a new build on the Texas A&M campus, and they uncovered a human skeleton. It was taken to the coroner, and, as the coroner examined the remains, he discovered a medallion on the strands of a long-decayed ribbon around the neck of the skeleton. Cleaning off the years of grime and corrosion, he was able to read the inscription: Texas A&M Hide-and-seek Champion, 1938.
So a man walks into a bar and says “Ow.”
I was a little down after a very bad year. Some friends of mine suggested I might feel better if I took up some kind of activity, and, after some back-and-forth they convinced me that game hunting would be just the thing.
So I got all kitted up for hunting game, with camo and a nice rifle, and was walking through the woods on my first expedition, when I came upon a lake.
Much to my surprise, a comely young woman wearing very little in the way of clothing emerged from the lake. She looked at me with come-hither eyes and a slight smile and said she was game.
So I shot her.
—
Speaking of Freudian slips, I made one just the other day.
I was having breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say “Please pass the butter”, but it came out “You f—— b—-, you ruined my life!”
A termite walks into a pub and says, “Hey, where’s the bar tender?”
Second obligatory Aggie joke.
Did you hear about the Longhorn that tranfered to A&M? Both schools GPA’s went up.
The Zoo, it is a place where animals observe the behaviors of people.
The Foo Bird
A man went to Africa to do some game hunting.
While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide.
Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.
The guide grabbed his arm and said “Oh,no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned aand pooped all over him.
He hollared at the boy, “I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said “Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately! Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.
Sure enough he dropped dead then and there.
The moral of this story is “If the foo shits, wear it.”
this version of the story via http://jokes.federal.ro/joke/2016.htm
After a sumptious feast the canibal chief has indigestion. H calls the cook and asks him how the missionary was prepared. The cook explains he was put in the pot with water and vegatables and boiled. The chief says “you fool, he was a friar.”
Currently apropos.
A liberal, moderate and conservative walked into a bar and the bartender said, Hi Mitt.
Q: Where was the cat when the lights went out in Texas?
A: In the dark.
Two guys are having a conversation.
Guy1: I started a vegetarian diet last week.
Guy2: How’s it going?
Guy1: Not so well.
Guy2: What’s the problem?
Guy1: It turns out that vegetarians are faster than cows.
Two cannibals who were psychologically damaged as children were eating a clown. One asks the other, “Does this taste scary to you?”
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the bush?
Bartender: Hey, we don’t allow faster than light neutrinos in here!
A neutrino walks into a bar.
An American, an Aussie and an Irishman were comparing their home towns.
The American says: In San Antonio, at my favorite saloon, they serve $1 jugs of beer and $2 racks of bbq ribs all night on Thursdays.
The Aussie says: ‘Strewth, mate, that’s nothing. At my favorite pub in Bundy they have 25-cent pots and free pies every night!
The Irishman says: Well, at me pub in Dublin, you can go in almost any time, and you’ll get all the free beer you can drink and then they take you upstairs for sex *all night*!!
The Aussie says (dryly): Mate, did that actually happen to you?
The Irishman says: No, but it happens to me sister all the time!
Oh, ok one more:
As they approached Dublin number 9 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT – Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT – Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy
PILOT – Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Seamus!
CO-PILOT – Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT – Right, Seamus, when I say ‘go’ put de engine in reverse!!
CO-PILOT – Royt, I’ll do dat !!
PILOT – An den ya put de flaps down!!
CO-PILOT – Royt, I’ll do dat, too !!
PILOT – An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!
CO-PILOT – I’m prayin already, but I’ll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
So, as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse,
puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to
the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires
squealed,and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all
the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Seamus, the
aircraft came to a stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and Seamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure,
Paddy looked out of the window and said to Seamus, “Dat has gat ta
be de shartist fookin runway in de world!”
Seamus replied, “Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?”
Rich at 8:43, that was the 1st joke I heard my father tell, that would have been around 1956. Here’s one of my favourite Irishman jokes…
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker. “Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There’s nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.”
Five minutes later he said, “Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.”
A moment later, “Er…sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected.”
One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. “Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we’ll be here all night ?”
What do a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?
Both are harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it up….
A device capable of supporting all of the life processes of the human brain has been developed and requires a field test.
For reasons which you may surmise but which I will not divulge, Krakow is chosen as the site of the test.
The test protocol requires that a brain be borrowed for 24 hours. A test subject is selected whose evaluation has revealed an exquisite brain, prefect for the test. The subject will be kept on life support during the evaluation. The observers are assembled, the surgeons connect the subject to the life support system, open his skull and remove the brain. Soon it is percolating away in the apparatus under test. Questions are asked and answered. The trial of the machine is a resounding success.
The following morning the apparatus and brain are returned to surgery. Attendants are directed to prep the subject for the reunion with his brain.
But he cannot be found. Krakow is searched without success. Then the rest of Poland. No Joy.
Then the continent. Again, nothing. Advertisements are placed.
Late in the following year, the news comes in that he has been found; teaching school in Ireland.
I found that there was no way that this joke could be told in Dublin where any of the listeners would “get it.”
My mom’s favorite.
How can you tell the WASP at the orgy?
She washes the grapes before she eats them.
In recognition of engineers everywhere:
A priest, a ophthalmologists, and an engineer were playing golf. They asked the grounds keeper about the group ahead of them who were playing very slowly. the group consisted of fireman who were trying to put out a fire at the course club house and were caught under the roof when it caved in. They were all blinded. The priest promised to say a special mass for them; the ophthalmologists promised to see if he could do anything for their vision; and the engineer asked “why can’t they play at night?â€
Speaking of engineers: a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were to be executed by guillotine. The mathematician is first led up the scaffold and his neck is placed under the blade. The trigger is released but the blade gets stuck half way down. “The will of God” murmur the crowd and he is released. The physicist is then placed in position, but once again the blade sticks and he is like wise given his freedom. As the engineer approaches the guillotine he exclaims “I see exactly what your problem is. Hand me a screwdriver and I’ll have this fixed in an instant”.
From a hairdresser (not me)
The ultimate definition of surprise.
A fart with a lump in it.
The following is not a joke, it is a true story, but it’s bad anyway.
I don’t drink beer (waste of precious volume), but one day my co-workers talked me into it. We went to a bar with beautifully displayed beers from all over the country. After a few I told them 2 or 3 Polish jokes when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It turned up to be a man 6’3” and 220 lbs, all muscle. He said: I don’t like your jokes I am Polish (perfect midwestern accent!). Being Polish as well (and speaking with the accent) I tried to mitigate the situation, invited him to join us and share a beer. But he wouldn’t hear about it, he wanted to step outside and teach me a lesson. At some moment I thought it was a practical joke made by my companions, but I was wrong. Since none of my friends wanted to get involved, I stood up and started to walk with the fellow towards the back of the bar. I was convinced at that time that I would end up having a broken jaw or something like that. As we were exiting the bar I realized that it was not my jaw that was at stake but quite possibly my life: the guy pulled out a razor.
I am convinced that I would be dead if my adversary could find an electric outlet.
A couple of jokes, possibly statistical in nature.
Why sometimes is one arm of a v formation of geese in flight longer than the other arm?
answer: Because the longer arm has more geese.
Joke 2:
While at a bar with some friends, a guy bets that the next person that walks into the bar will have more than the average number of arms. His friends accept his bet, and when the next person walks in with 2 arms, he declares that he has won the bet.
I tell the first joke quite often and no one has yet given the correct answer, but everyone moans after I tell them the answer.
Two dyslexics at the top of a mountain say to a third man:
“We’re having a bit of a disagreement – please, could you tell us if skiers are supposed to zig-zag or zag-zig down the mountain?
The man replies: “Don’t ask me – I’m a tobacconist”
There’s been a fire in the Statistics Department Library at Cornell, But it wasn’t a total loss, two of the books were saved. One hadn’t even been colored in yet.
( Read Aloud For Best Effect!!! )
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c.” Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like fotograf” 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by ” v”.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
__________________________
Note that by these New Rules, Euro is misplt.
http://www.conjunctivitis.com. Now that’s a site for sore eyes.
Hedgehogs! Why cant they just share the hedge ?
I went out to buy some camouflage clothing but I couldn’t find any anywhere.
Henry was a cannibal. He had a sister, Henrietta.
A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
Maybe “odd” is not a meaning of “funny” in the language of the non-English speaker who didn’t get the cannibals joke.
Did you hear about those southsea islanders that live on little bent pieces of wire?
Its their staple diet.
Ciao
John
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes answers, “I think not,” and then disappears.
A white horse walks into a bar.
“That’s funny”, the barman says, “I’ve got a whiskey named after you.”
“What? Eric?”
For their wedding anniversary a woman gives her husband a couple of ties. As they’re going out for a meal that evening he decides to wear one of them to please her. When she sees him she says, “So what’s wrong with the other one”.
Zen marriage: If a man is alone in the forest and his wife is nowhere near and he expresses an opinion is he still wrong?
Jim S: that’s probably an independent coining but famously a politician said in the New Zealand parliament, “Whenever someone emigrates from New Zealand to Australia the average I.Q. of both countries rises”.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A Stick.
3 statisticians were duck shooting.
The first fire – and missed. 10 cm high
The second fired – and missed. 10 cm low.
The third said, “We got it”
The song of the Scottish Statistical Society: “Ye Banks and Bayes”
(with apologies to any Scots reading this.)
Guess where i work out!
Steven Hawking’s home gym!
Guess what game i’m playing!
QWOP starring Steven Hawking!