So I saw this headline, “The International Eczema Council investigate how climate change may impact eczema“. And I remembered I owed readers an investigation into all the bad things, and the good things, too, that will be caused by “climate change.”

Turns out everything bad will be caused by “climate change.” And nothing good. “Climate change” is scientifically unique in this way, being an entirely malevolent force.

Here’s the steps I took to discover all the bad things, and no good things, caused by “climate change.” I urge you to replicate my work. This will help convince you of the full horror of “climate change”. It will also make you at least a good a “climate change” scientist as anybody else. Because science means replication.

Step 1: Go to scholar.google.come.

Step 2: Enter this phrase (with quotation marks): X "climate change".

Step 3: Substitute X for anything you like. Anything at all.

Step 4: Find the scientific research article that scientifically proves, by the powers of scientific research, that “climate change” will cause X to burst into flames and to go straight to Hell. Or that X, a bad thing, will make “climate change” worse.

Now I, being one man (but what a man), cannot possibly think of everything, nor do I have time to, so I rely on you, dear readers, to spackle over the lacunae in my research.

Here’s my list. Which, as you saw, starts with eczema. Because of course “climate change” will make eczema worse. I didn’t put the links in the list below, because that would have been tedious in the extreme. But with the scholarly scientific research titles, you will have no trouble finding them yourself.

You also have to be a tad creative. For instance, I chose soup as one of my words. I immediately found the article “Climate change/variability and food systems: evidence from the Afram Plains, Ghana”, but it doesn’t have soup in the title. But the text indeed does have it: “…akple (cooked maize dough) and vegetable soup”, which the paper says will suffer when “climate change” hits.

Neither will you always find “climate change” in the title; but it is always in the paper in the examples I display. Do not neglect “global warming” for older research.

Also, if the thing itself in the list will not suffer under “climate change”, it will cause worse “climate change”.

Almost all words have multiple scientific research papers. I picked whichever one was amusing. I was lazy, too, rarely bothering to search past the first page. I took it as read that all meteorological and associated effects will be bad.

Climate Change of Doom List

1. diarrhea: “Climate change is likely to worsen the public health threat of diarrheal disease in Botswana”
2. soup: “Throwing soup at Van Gogh: The framing of art in climate change activism by British mass media”
3. capacitors: “Environmental impact assessment of aluminum electrolytic capacitors in a product family from the manufacturer’s perspective”
4. french fries: “Environmental profile of the Swiss supply chain for French fries: Effects of food loss reduction, loss treatments and process modifications”
5. pencil: “Eco-efficiency of pencil preduction using life cycle assessment to increase the manufacture sustainability”
6. deer: “Climate change effects on deer and moose in the Midwest”
7. oysters: “Long-term environmental tolerance of the non-indigenous Pacific oyster to expected contemporary climate change conditions”
8. turtle: “Vulnerability of sea turtle nesting grounds to climate change”
9. goats: “Goats and their role in climate change”
10. snakes: “A framework for assessing the vulnerability of species to climate change: a case study of the Australian elapid snakes”
11. (Every living creature will suffer under “climate change”)
12. coffee: “A Systematic Review on the Impacts of Climate Change on Coffee Agrosystems”
13. movies: “Effectiveness of the use of movies in climate change communication: Empirical evidence from York, United Kingdom”
14. paper towels: “Detailed life cycle assessment of Bounty® paper towel operations in the United States”
15. sausage: “Environmental Assessment of the Fresh Sausage Transformation Process in the Italian Context: An LCA Study”
16. stew: “Environmental sustainability of a pork and bean stew”
17. hamburger: “Potential contributions of food consumption patterns to climate change”
18. pizza: “Environmental impacts of mixed dishes: A case study on pizza”
19. (Never do scientific research while hungry)
20. prostitution: “Documentary film analysis: the environment and prostitution”
21. Humphrey Bogart: “Infrastructure resilience to climate change” (“There is a scene in the 1954 movie Sabrina, starring Humphrey Bogart…”)
22. tires: “The influence of consumer behavior on the environmental footprint of passenger car tires”
23. paprika: “Analysis of Greenhouse Temperature and Solar Irradiance that Affect Monthly Production of Summer-cultivated Paprika”
24. Nepal: “Climate change and its increasing impacts in Nepal”
25. sidewalks: “Climate change impacts on future driving and walking conditions in Finland, Norway and Sweden” (“…a five percentage point increase of water above ice layers on the sidewalks.”)
26. playgrounds: “Outdoor playgrounds and climate change: Importance of surface materials and shade to extend play time and prevent burn injuries”
27. firearms: “Firearm-related injury and death in the United States” (“As we have described, climate change has clearly…”)
28. toothpaste: “A redesign of the toothpaste tube using green QFD II for improved usability and sustainability”
29. cancer: “Cancer and climate change”
30. diabetes: “Diabetes and climate change”
31. obesity: “Climate change and obesity”
32. dental caries (cavities): “Climate change on oral health and dentistry: association and mitigation”
33. anemia: “Implications of climatic change on sickle cell anemia: A review”
34. baldness: “Medical education and medical educators in South Asia-a set of challenges” (“…conditions like erectile dysfunction, male pattern baldness, attention deficit…”)
35. stroke: “Climate Change and Stroke: A Topical Narrative Review”
36. gout: ” Potential adverse health consequences of climate change related to rheumatic diseases”
37. (Every disease will be exacerbated by “climate change”)
38. aluminum: “Aluminum production in the times of climate change: The global challenge to reduce the carbon footprint and prevent carbon leakage”
39. battery: “Reducing the climate change impacts of lithium-ion batteries by their cautious management through integration of stress factors and life cycle assessment”
40. stock market: “Climate change events and stock market returns”
41. marshmallow: “Weighing the costs and benefits of climate change to our children”
42. erasers: “Natural rubber and climate change: a policy paper” (…”erasers;2; footwear; textiles (eg expandable clothing, belts…”)
43. copper pipe: “Ensuring climate change adaptation avoids increased health risks from drinking-water copper exposure”
44. asphalt: “Structural behavior of the geothermo-electrical asphalt pavement: A critical review concerning climate change”
45. chlorine: “Implications of climate change: How does increased water temperature influence biofilm and water quality of chlorinated drinking water distribution systems?”
46. paint: “Calculation and estimation of the carbon footprint of paint industry”
47. foster care: “Trauma-informed care intervention for culture and climate change within a child welfare agency”
48. anime: “Nature, media and the future: Unnatural disaster, animist anime and eco-media activism in Japan” (“Climate change is not off in the future.“)
49. radio: “Testing the influence of radio programs on climate change knowledge: A pilot experience from the Congo Basin”
50. tobacco: “Leveraging climate change to improve global tobacco control”
51. rifle: “Tropic of chaos: Climate change and the new geography of violence” (…fast-action repeating rifles…)
52. handguns: “Firearm-related injury and death in the United States” (“… climate change has clearly…”)
53. cardboard: “Carbon footprint comparative analysis of cardboard and plastic containers used for the international transport of Spanish Tomatoes”
54. mental health: “Climate change: the next challenge for public mental health?”
55. minorities: “The impact of climate change on minorities and indigenous peoples”
56. women: “Effects of climate change on women”

World Ends: Women, Minorities Hardest Hit.

Your turn.

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