Batman—the Dark Knight himself—-was found Wednesday night hanging by a thread from the roof of Meyer’s Ace Hardware store in Harbor Springs, Michigan. The Petoskey News Review reports that Batman was spotted by a concerned citizen who called the cops.
Responding officers, including Michigan State Police troopers, saw “a male subject, dressed in a Batman costume, hanging off the western wall of the building,” according to the release. The officers got onto the roof and pulled the man back onto it.
They arrested him!
What makes it worse is that not only did the collar lead the police to discover Batman’s secret identity, but the newspapers found and published his real name.
He is 31-year-old Mark Wayne Williams, the reclusive playboy thousandnaire and denizen of the metropolis of Harbor Springs, population 1,551, a town absolutely reeking with picturesque views, tucked into a harbor high up on Lake Michigan. (Your author took his Senior Prom dinner at Stafford’s Pier Restaurant in downtown Harbor Springs.)
Williams, patrolling as Batman, had attached to his utility belt a “gas ejective device” (Freeze Plus P), a sap, and a ninja-style folding steel baton. All these are obviously necessary accoutrement to fight crime, but the police could not agree. They humorlessly charged Williams with several felonies for possessing the tools of his trade.
It was at this point that Williams could have saved himself, or at least retained his honor. He could have used his arrest to issue a warning to criminals. “Beware evil doers, wherever you are!” is what he should have shouted. He could have pointed out that during his watch Harbor Springs has seen no murders, no rapes, no robberies, and just one lone assault. Just imagine how these numbers would have soared had he not been so vigilant!
But Williams-Batman chose the modern way and said,
“I realize that this is a serious offense. I honestly had no idea the items I was holding are illegal,” Williams told the court during his arraignment Wednesday afternoon in Emmet County 90th District Court. “I did not intend to harm anyone with these items. I swear that.”
No harm! How will that strike fear into the hearts of felonious fiends, heinous hoods and gruesome gangsters, not to forget the various masterminds and nemeses which populate the underworld. They now know that Batman won’t be there to stop them. Watch out Harbor Springs! A wave of crime is about to wash over you.