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Forget Joel Osteen’s Inspiration Cube: Get SSgt Briggs’s Brutal Truths Dodecahedron

I take my inspiration (a pun) for my latest marketing genius move from Joel Osteen himself. I should say Joel Osteen™, since the man has trademarked his name. I shall do the same.

Here’s the impetus:

When I first saw this, I knew I had to rip it off create my own product in homage. I was going to go with “SSgt Briggs’s Inspiration Cube”, but Osteen™ trademarked Inspiration Cube™, too. So I had to go for something else.

Before we come to that, what’s Osteen™’s Inspiration Cube™ about? Here’s the ad copy:

Listen To An Uplifting 2-Minute Inspiration (One for Every Day of the Year)

  • Get In Position For Increase
  • Encourage Yourself
  • Say Goodbye To The Familiar
  • Your Time Is Coming
  • Outlast The Opposition
  • Have A Made Up Mind

When I saw those, it seemed to me these could be read as a brutal truths, and not necessarily as inspirational. So I have created

    SSgt Briggs’s Brutal Truths Dodecahedron.

Osteen™ is charging $39.99 and offers free shipping. I’m going to under-cut him and ask only $39.98, but you’ll have to come to my place and pick it up (never after 9 PM, please). I didn’t have access to cheap Chinese labor to produce mine, so I went with wood.

Every time you press the red button, you get a brutal truth. Samples:

  • Get In Position For Disappointment
  • Discourage Yourself Because Failure Happens
  • Say Goodbye To The Familiar
  • Your Time Is Coming
  • Your Opposition Will Likely Outlast You
  • Suffering Is Inevitable
  • That Lump May Be Cancer
  • The Ruler Who Professes Love For You Is In Fact Indifferent To Your Fate
  • Many Don’t Like You For Good Reasons
  • That Fat Is There To Stay
  • Many Evil People, Like Your Boss, Will Not Be Punished In This Life
  • Joel Osteen™ Has A Net Worth In The Tens Of Millions
  • Your Donations Were Probably Not Put To Good Purposes
  • Hell Exists And The Path To It Is Wide And Easy Going
  • You Will Die Someday

If you have any suggestions, make them below. There’s still time to add more brutality in.

Early tests have show the Brutal Truths Dodecahedron will be a success, as these happy customers have proved.

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Categories: Statistics

46 replies »

  1. No matter how bad the situation, it can always get worse.

    Panic is the mind killer. Fear is a warning.

    Wherever you go, there you are.

    It is by coffee (tea) alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of the bean (leaf) that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire tremors, the tremors are a warning. It is by coffee (tea) alone I set my mind in motion.

  2. @ Trigger Warning –
    I once had a Magic 8 Ball that never lied. It was correct 100% of the time, over scores of queries about the past, present, and future. It was the creepiest thing I have ever encountered. I slowly became afraid of the horrible thing at war in Iraq, but it had become a tradition to consult it before every mission. I wouldn’t let the children touch it after I got back home. Thank goodness it eventually bled out, so I could finally dispose of it safely.

  3. Joel who? The Inspiration cube is useful to smash to bits as anger relief. That’s about it. Hope your marketing and merchandise is better….

    I’m marketing the “Daily Kick in the Butt” (adjustable height, of course) for those who cannot or will not get their act together. After a month or so, your life will improve greatly. It may be the inspiration, or the fact that you have to stand up and move around a lot. Either way, BETTER LIFE!!!! This pairs perfectly with Briggs Dodecahedron. The physical kick reinforces the wise words from Briggs. You don’t have to drive to Wyoming to get it. I do have Chinese labor but I can’t really explain that fully on the open internet.

    Trademarking your name is a sign of mental illness. (Feel free to include that in the sayings Dodecahedron).

    CanSco: I love that one!!!

  4. It is always darkest before the storm.

    That’s nothing to boast about; anybody could have beaten Steven Hawking in a foot race.

    During an election season men sound angrier than the exhaust pipe of a Honda Civic being driven by a millennial

    Vermont is considered America’s gateway to incest, insanity, and international ecological hikes around poorly maintained farms and polluted backwater ponds teeming with three-eyed tadpoles and diseased perch.

    Jake Tapper is wrong when it he says Like the bedroom wall a toddler paints with poo poo, Biden is being smeared.

    It is sad that American parents no longer names their children after taxis, like Cab Calloway.

  5. While the data clearly shows you have nothing to worry about, we recommend continuing to worry – a whole lot.

  6. Over 99.7 percent of people testing COVID positive have mild to no symptoms, you are almost certainly among the 0.3%.

  7. The thing I like about Catholics is their resistance to evolution. This virus was dog
    whistled into infamy store shelves emptied small businesses gone forever. It’s done what
    every virus before it has done. We don’t need vaccines and have the cure with one of the
    oldest treatments on the books convalescent plasma now masquerading as Remdesiver.
    Remdesiver however has a few added twists and if someone could explain the presence
    of added mice antibodies that were derived from ‘vaccinated humanized mice’ I would
    appreciate it. What exactly were they vaccinated with and how does one go about
    humanizing a mouse. Their literature is lacking is this just some ploy to brand/patent
    convalescent plasma?

  8. McChuck

    Wherever you go, there you are.

    … once had a Magic 8 Ball that never lied. It was correct 100% of the time, over scores of queries about the past, present, and future. It was the creepiest thing I have ever encountered. …

    I’m gonna make a guess that it came from the Eighth Dimension

    Briggs

    We need an address?

  9. You really are fatter.
    Yes, that was a bad idea.
    The second time was overkill.
    You have secret enemies.
    That thing you suspect is true.
    Wear a mask if you want, but it won’t help.

  10. God loves you, but that’s about it.
    The dog only wags it’s tail when you get home because it knows you’re the source of food.
    That certain colors are “slimming” is a marketing gimmick.
    You’ll be bald by the time you’re thirty and the laser baseball cap won’t help.
    Unless you die young, the day will certainly come when you regret the tattoos.
    You will never see the earthly utopia.
    Achievement will always be limited by your inherent talent.
    Equality is a myth designed to create the aggrieved.
    Forget about shattering that ceiling: it’s not glass, it’s lucite.
    The sun will rise tomorrow, which only presents another opportunity for something bad to happen.
    Murphy’s Law: it’s time to stop ignoring it.
    If you eat right and exercise daily, you’ll die anyway.
    Every birthday is a sugar laden, candle lit reminder of the inevitable…

    Man these things write themselves.

  11. “No matter how good you’re feeling right now, remember – Unhappiness is just right around the corner.”

  12. Better paraphrase:

    Life is difficult. It’s even more difficult if you are stupid. — Ted Williams

  13. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

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