Lot of discussion out in the wilds and thickets of the interwebs about whether Catholics can vote for Joe “Who Am I?” Biden.
Many say Catholics cannot vote for Biden, others insist Catholics can vote for him. The angst and acrimony over this question is thick.
Friends! Enemies! This is not difficult! Ex-Staff Sergeant Briggs is here to sort it out for you and give you the one clear answer.
Consider Al Capone. He once walked into a bar and grabbed some miscreant by the lapel—this was back when men still knew how to dress, mind you: now he’d have to grab the guy by his label: think about it—and unloaded his gun into the miscreant’s shorts. Capone did this in full view of many who were sitting peaceably and rightly and actively scoffing at Prohibition.
Capone was a Catholic. Catholics, therefore, can not only take an illegal but necessary drink, they can shoot people in public.
Pope Alexander VI began his reign in the same year the kiddies no longer learn Columbus sailed the ocean blue. By all accounts Alex was a supreme hound dog. Of a Sunday, when he was supposed to be celebrating mass, he was out on the trail sniffing for his many mistresses. Managed to sire quite a stable of poplettes, too.
You might be surprised to learn that Popes were once Catholic. Well, there is nothing more Catholic than a Pope defecating in the woods, as the saying goes. Catholics, therefore, can father broods with mistresses and employ nepotism.
Even progressives agree that man has invented no more efficient way to move bodies from above to below ground than to institute as the state religion international socialism, also called communism. Theodore Maly did his unlevel best to spread this error of Russia to the rest of the world.
He was the guy who corrupted and oversaw the men in the Cambridge Five, spies at the top of the UK government who did much more than their part at sinking what remained of the British Empire after World War II. All became KGB heroes.
Maly was a priest. A Catholic priest. Catholics, therefore, can become spy masters, seek world domination, and be complicit in mass murder.
This was under Old Uncle Joe. Not our Joe. Theirs. Stalin was, I believe, Orthodox, which is as close as one “and the Son” to being Catholic. So, almost-Catholics can order mass famines and build gulags.
I can do no better than to quote Wikipedia about Hans Schmidt, whom you might not have heard of. “Even in childhood, Schmidt combined a deep religious devotion with bisexual promiscuity and a fascination with drinking blood and dismembering animals.” These things are often found together: perversion and gore.
“Hans once beheaded two of his parents’ geese and kept the severed heads in his pocket. He also frequented the village slaughterhouse daily, where he would watch the death and dissection of farm animals with rapt fascination.”
Not only all that, but he became a Catholic priest. He diddled a parishioner named Anna on a high altar (did we just hear of this in the news?) and then he, I quote, “slashed Anna’s throat while she slept, drank her blood, raped her as she bled to death, dismembered her body, and threw the pieces from a ferry into the Hudson River.”
This was in the days before Pride when priests of Schmidt’s proclivities had to practice their hobbies in secret.
Well, we already know Catholic priests are Catholic, from which we deduce Catholics can conduct satanic rituals and pollute rivers.
Pride, of course, is what allows all those Catholics priests of modern times to martinize each other and the altar boys. The term, I believe, is named after James Martin, SJ. Therefore, introducing altar boys to martinizing is something Catholics can do.
Joe Biden is Catholic. He’s for the idea of allowing babies to partly pop out of their mothers, which allows certified doctors to do to the babies what Schmidt did to Anna, activities which in turn drive QAnon conspiracy theories.
Catholics, therefore, can post weird adrenochrome memes to Twitter. WWG1WGA—to the voting booth!
If Catholics can do all the things spoken of here, and you, dear reader, are Catholic, you can certainly vote for Joe Biden.
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