Here’s a headline from CNN: “Trump Vigorously Defends Kenosha Shooter As Racist White Supremacist.” The story starts:
WASHINGTON—Taking a firm stand ahead of his visit to the Wisconsin, President Donald Trump vigorously defended Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse Tuesday as a racist white supremacist. “People are taking his actions completely out of context, but you’ve got to realize this kid was a brave racist who crossed state lines to kill and injure Black Lives Matter activists,” said Trump, echoing the opinion being expressed by many popular voices across conservative media and suggesting that the shooter merely wanted to protect white America.
Well, that’s the way they talk these days at CNN. And the New York Times, the Washington Post, CBS, ABC, NBC, PBS, NPR, and on and on. And on some more. We even get similar things from Fox, NRO, and other neo-conman outlets.
Except, as clever readers will already have guessed, this isn’t CNN, but The Onion.
The Onion used to be funny, their satire witty and clever, though not, as cannibal said at the feast, not always in the best of taste. They were so good at parodying “news” that people used to have to append “Not the Onion” to true wacky headlines so people wouldn’t think they were being tricked.
Take “Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest”, or “Sperm Cells Unaware They’re Swimming Up Large Intestine” (yes), “‘Celebrities Are The Real Heroes’, Says Fireman”.
Here are all four of the headlines suggested under the hilarious Trump story: “Yankees Fans Pack Stadium For Asshole Heritage Night”, “Akon Unveils Plans For $6 Billion ‘Futuristic City'”, “Iowa State To Allow 25,000 Fans Into Stadium For Football Game”, “Vermonter Disgusted After Getting Glimpse Of Topless Bridge Out In Public”.
Did you laugh? Giggle? Smile, even?
The leading photo is a screenshot from the main page last Thursday night. Some of the other gut-busting headlines were: “Economists Warn Americans That Money Withering To Ash In Their Hands Could Be Sign Of Recession”, “Child Beauty Experts Recommend Revitalizing Skin With Elmer’s Glue Peel”, “Raytheon Engineers Announce Successful Test Of New Drone On Mice”.
The best thing that can be said about their then-lead article “Spotify Celebrates 100th Dollar Given To Artists” was that it was mildly amusing.
While I admit to smiling at “Excited Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Sign Deal With Netflix To Access Thousands Of Films, TV Shows For Just $8.99 A Month”, the remaining efforts don’t even reach the base mirth mark of “cute”.
How about politics? Surely they can find something funny about Joe Biden. The headlines write themselves! Like my hair, here are some just off the top of my head: “Campaign Staffers Proud Joe Biden Remembers He’s Running For President For Third Day In A Row”, “Joe Biden Insists Thomas Edison Would Never Use Jam On His Waffles.” “Relief After Joe Biden Finally Discovered On Philadelphia Bus.”
Instead, over a pic of The Groper, they have this: “DNC Pours All Campaign Funding Into New York, California To Win Popular Vote By Even Greater Margin Than 2016”. You can smell the tears.
Clicking through to Politics brings us these in order (and I won’t cheat by including the Infographics headlines, which aren’t meant to be funny): “RNC Concludes With Massive Fireworks Display Inside Oval Office”, “Trump Appears At RNC With 6 Hostages He Plans To Free After Election”, “‘Friend, You Understand Friend? Gesture Democratic Leaders To Focus Group Of Working-Class Voters”, “Commentators Note Healthy Choice Commercial That Played Between RNC Broadcasts Made Powerful, Stirring Case For Reduced-Calorie Dinners”.
The best anti-Trump headline was “‘Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez,’ Says Eric Trump After Accidentally Bringing Father’s Sexual Assault Victims To RNC”.
I don’t have any evidence of it, but all Onion editorial meetings must now start with everybody announcing their pronouns. Each time, in case anybody’s has changed since yesterday. They likely have a Chief Woke Officer whose job is to shout “That’s not funny!” to the punchline of all jokes about feminists.
College students are offered internships, not to write anything, but to follow staffers around and laugh. Somebody has to.
It can’t be too long now before we see a headline like this: “Only Racists Don’t Laugh At Us.”
Well, there is no reason to seek for the why of their fall. It’s the same everywhere. The woke are dead.
Meanwhile, we all know who has superseded The Onion. The folks who wrote “Riotous BLM Protesters Suddenly Realize They’re All White People”, “‘We Black Women Are Ignored,’ Says Multimillionaire Black Woman To Millions Of Adoring Fans” and “Leftists Fight Fascism By Marching Through Streets Forcing Everyone To Perform Their Special Salute”.
'Scram! It's A Setup!' Screams Pelosi Running Out Of Salon To Getaway Car https://t.co/RLAg2udFSV
— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) September 3, 2020
To support this site and its wholly independent host using credit card or PayPal (in any amount) click here