What they find is a way to publish yet another study documenting what everybody already knew. According to this article, sent in by reader Jack Mosevich, researchers have discovered that it is the most gregarious teenagers that are engaging in sex and “other risky behaviors.”
They don’t put it that way. Instead, it is announced that teens who send an awful lot of text messages to a welter of peers each day have the most opportunity for intermingling. According to one of the men in white, “‘This study demonstrates that it’s a legitimate question to explore,’ said Douglas Gentile, who runs the Media Research Lab at Iowa State University.”
This begs the question: was it a legitimate question to explore before they had their results?
I could not bring myself to read the original report, but I’d bet that they have a nice, low p-value that backs their conclusions.
Cooking and Bad Music Don’t Mix
Reader Dan Clock sent in this link to a new cooking show on the Cooking Channel, which he describes as like a horrible accident that cannot be looked away from.
The program is called—and I wish I were attempting a joke—Bitchin’ Kitchen with Nadia G. In the video, which I am now just recovering from watching thanks to a medicinal morning glass of Chablis, the lady sings a horrific song which contains the lines:
Viagra spam for ten years straight.
Look, if you can’t get it up, a soufflé’s great.
A stranger tries to pinch my butt.
Shkoff a truffle a BEAT HIM UP!
This one’s for you.
Anticipating the intelligence of her audience, Nadia G. holds up four fingers of her left hand when she sings the penultimate word of the last line.
After the intolerable caterwauling comes a promo, which proclaims, “We promise that you have never seen a cooking show like this.” Which means that at least the executives at the Cooking Channel are honorable, because they have kept their promise. I never have seen a show like this. Wednesdays 10:30 pm.
Buy College Essays
The Cornell Sun features an article on the website The Essay Exchange (which I refuse to link to), whose purpose is to sell college entrance exams. Each costs about fifteen bucks, plus or minus depending on the essay’s popularity.
There are already a number of term-paper sites—see this exposé featured from today’s Arts & Letters Daily—but this one sells essays that supposedly led to successful admissions at top-flight colleges.
I was ready to be disappointed, but my heart soared like a hawk when I read the words of Pat Wasyliw, assistant dean of admissions and advising in the College of Arts and Sciences, who said, “In a nutshell, if you think this is a good idea in any way, you do not belong at Cornell or any comparable institution of higher learning.”
Amen, brother. Preach it!
Some encouraging news on the Human Extinction Front
Reader Francisco González tells us that the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement is gaining steam.
Their main idea appears to be that if there are no more humans, which may be obtained by a lack of breeding, the “Earth’s biosphere to return to good health….and be allowed to return to its former glory, and all remaining creatures will be free to live, die, evolve (if they believe in evolution), and will perhaps pass away, as so many of Natureâ€™s ‘experiments’ have done throughout the eons.”
Of course, there won’t be anybody around to enjoy the Earth’s new found good health, so one can ask why bother? And what about the creatures that don’t “believe in evolution”? They’ll be stuck on the same career path for all eternity, cladistically speaking. Just goes to show you how important it is to believe in Darwin.
The organizers add that the VHEM is the “humanitarian alternative to human disaster,” a sentence that will take a passel of grammarians to parse successfully. But wait: wasn’t “human disaster”, or something like it, the new euphemism for terror attack?
Now, it’s sometimes difficult to know when one is in earnest. But the absurdities of the VHEM pile up so quickly, each one more asinine than the next, that it must be joke. Kind of like the Flat Earth Society. But on the diminishing probability that it isn’t, I want to do all I can to support the followers of VHEM in their celibacy.
Essays for Sale
Just in case you didn’t see the link above, be sure to read the exposé The Shadow Scholar:
The man who writes your students’ papers tells his story featured from today’s Chronicle of Higher Education. After doing so, you might want to join me in another glass of some potent restorative.