Jerusalem — Israelis police attempted to arrest a man they found emerging from a small cave outside the city earlier today.
The arrest did not go as planned, however, as the man was able to evade capture by “Simply smiling and walking away,” according to Police spokesman Inspector Itay Cohen.
“We take social distancing guidelines very seriously,” said Cohen. “Going outside in the sunshine puts lives at risk.”
Shortly after dawn, Police noticed two men out for a morning run, a clear violation of the cower-in-place order issued by the Likud. Police tracked the men to a small outcropping of rock at the city limits. They then witnessed a third man clad only in “in a brilliant white robe” emerge from a cave in the rock.
“It was his lack of mask that first alerted us that we were likely dealing with a hardened criminal,” said Constable David Levy, one of the policemen who attempted to make the arrest. “The two men out for a run were wearing their masks,” added Levy.
Levy and a second police Constable attempted to cuff the mysterious man, but found themselves unable to do so. “I don’t know what happened,” said Constable Saul Mizrachi, “but when was I about to truncheon the man, as is normal procedure, I just couldn’t.”
Professor of Medicine Samuel Epstein of Technion University in Tel Aviv studied the police report. He said, “This sounds to me like corona-induced psychosis. The man who got away is obviously dangerous. He should be captured as soon as possible before he can spread his implicit anti-government message.”
Although Police were unable to discover where the white-robbed man went, they managed to arrest the other two quarantine breakers. These were later identified as two fishermen, one middle aged and the other a teenager. The middle aged man was executed as a public safety measure. The teenager was exiled to a small island.
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