Script Leaked From New 007 Movie, Leap Into The Dark

Apparently this is what they call a treatment, or a partial script, and only goes to the end of Act I. I am sworn to keep secret how I came by it. The only changes I made were to the formatting, to fit in the blog scheme. I don’t know how different this will be from the final film. Enjoy.

INTERIOR OF MI-5

We see a tall woman, her back to us, standing in front of a mirror. She is applying an estrogen patch to her upper arm and adjusting her lipstick. We see in the REFLECTION 007 (Lashana Lynch) enter. The woman turns and we see…

M (Benedict Cumberbatch)

So you met Bond. How did he take his retirement?

007

Like a man.

M

The poor thing.

007

What’s it matter? This is the CURRENT YEAR. [PRODUCTION NOTE: CHANGE TO ACTUAL YEAR WHEN FILMING.]

M

Never mind all that. We’ve more important things to attend to.

007

I picked up that organic non-GMO vegan guava face cream you wanted.

M

Thank you, but it’s not that. You’ve heard of R.A.C.I.S.M, of course?

007

What agent of color doesn’t know about the organization known as Radical Arch Conservative Intelligent Sane Men?

M

That’s what I asked you.

007

What? [PRODUCTION NOTE: THIS KIND OF COMEDY TOO SUBTLE FOR MANY; CONSIDER ELIMINATING.]

M

Never mind. R.A.C.I.S.M is secret organization bent on dragging the world back to the 1950s, a time when men ruled. They actually believe that men and women are different. They would put people like me back in the closet—and you back in the kitchen.

007

Gasp.

M

You have said it, sister.

007

I’d say it again, if I thought it would help.

M

008 was killed bringing us this information. R.A.C.I.S.M is engaged in operation T.R.U.M.P. You need to stop them.

007

Operation T.R.U.M.P?

M

We believe it has to do with white supremacy, but none of our best minds could work it into the acronym. It’ll be your job to discover the extent of their plan.

You’d best collect the tools you need. We haven’t a moment to lose. Oh, and 007? Save your receipts.

FADE…TO INTERIOR

We see the offices of Q (Harvey Weinstein, with a heavy lisp, in a cameo). 007 walks through and we see various new weapons being tested. In one room a woman sits openly weeping. An electronic box of tissues shoots a tissue into the air, hitting the woman in the forehead.

Q

We’re still perfecting that one.

INTERIOR

Their walk continues past another room in which a pretty woman is being courted by several handsome men. She pulls out of her purse a pair of hideous glasses and puts them on. All the men feign looking at their watches and hurry from the room.

Q

Of course…you won’t be needing that one. Here, try this, darling. If you’re having cramps or your Aunt Flo is visiting, and you find you can’t engage in hand-to-hand combat with a brute 100 pounds your better, all you have to do is flash this. Stops any man in his tracks!

CLOSE UP

We see a card being handed over by Q. It reads “I WILL BE REPORTING YOUR #METOO BEHAVIOR TO HR.”

Q

M told me of your mission. I think we can help. Here. This will help you approach R.A.C.I.S.M headquarters undetected.

CLOSE UP

Q hands her a tasteful, ankle-length skirt and ironed white blouse. 007 takes them, holding them up and away from her in pinched fingers, and with a pinched expression.

007

What could go wrong?

CUT TO…R.A.C.I.S.M HEADQUARTERS KITCHEN, INTERIOR

We focus on 007’s face. We PULL BACK to see two large henchman, one clearly a Catholic priest, holding 007 in their manly grips. In front of the trio stands JOHN (a computer-generated John Wayne). The moment is tense. 007 tries a Kung Fu escape. [PRODUCTION NOTE: PERHAPS SOME CGI HERE?] She fails and glowers at JOHN.

JOHN

You’re darker than the other one they sent, partner. She didn’t last too long, either.

Make me a sandwich!

END OF ACT I

We see JOHN laughing from his easy chair, a beer in hand. 007, now wearing a floral apron, stands slathering mustard on a bun. She looks at the dull knife, then at JOHN, then at her arms. Her mien visibly collapses—but she quickly summons the courage to SPIT on a slab of bologna. As we fade out, we see 007 with a wicked grin on her face.

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Posted in Fun

8 Thoughts

  1. Good one. I like it.

    This is probably better than the dreck the producers will force upon the otherwise innocent film. Or tape. Or hard drives. Whatever they’re using these days.

  2. That should be a great movie. I really enjoy the feminists. First they tell us there is no difference between men and women, then they continually complain about men’s behavior and how they are oppressed and persecuted by the evil male patriarchy.

  3. C_Marie,

    Jole or not it will be the new reality. Such is the nature of the PC culture. It cannot be parodied. There are no absurdities so great to not be incorporated.

  4. Whatever they think will make the most money is what they’ll do, money talks, merit walks.

    Jamima Bond ? Hmm.
    They really should be using the opportunity to make some rather obvious points about the traditional roles of 007 and his girlfriends. Moneypenny never approved!
    Remind all those women, and men, what they’re missing.

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