I have never been part of a conspiracy before—there was never the opportunity—so you can imagine how excited I am about finally joining one.
It’s true that, in 1978, I, my sister, and a neighbor once piled bales of hay into a fort behind the garage and started an exclusive, invitation-only club. But we never got past the election of officers, nor did we have a chance to initiate any blood oaths, much to my bitter disappointment.
So I am truly juiced about being back in the game. Clandestine meetings, secret passwords and handshakes, furtive glances across train station waiting rooms. Regular readers know that I already have the fedora. Well, I also have a trench coat. Now I’ll really be able to put them to use. It’s going to be great!
Of course, I haven’t been contacted by any other members of the conspiracy yet. In fact, I have had little communication with anybody about the subject of the conspiracy. But it can’t be much longer until I’m in.
How do I know this? Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the IPCC and sex novelist, was asked by the Financial Times, “Do you think there is an organised effort to demolish your reputation and the reputation of the IPCC?” He replied,
It doesn’t take a genius to arrive at the conclusion that apparently this is carefully orchestrated. These things are certainly not happening at random.
Carefully orchestrated. Not happening at random. There it is! The first spooky signs of a conspiracy. And I’m going to be in on it.
Incidentally, before we get back to Pachauri, I want to tell the Fellowship (for this is what I imagine their name is) that I have distinct theories about manufacturing and maintaining stealth. I want them to know that I can contribute, that I am worthy.
For example, here’s one hot tip. Sunglasses are out: too cliche and a dead—emphasis on dead—giveaway. And from my years of studying the “progressive” mainstream media, I am an expert on plausible deniability.
…I would say [there are] nefarious designs behind people trying to attack me with lies, falsehoods [alleging] that I have business interests…What [the Fellowship] are indulging in is skulduggery of the worst kind. Iâ€™m reasonably sure that very soon people will realise the truth and they would also question the credentials of some of the people who are behind them.
I don’t want to get down to a personal level, but all you need to do is look at their backgrounds. They are people who deny the link between smoking and cancer; they are people who say that asbestos is as good as talcum powder—I hope that they apply it to their faces every day—and people who say that the only way to deal with HIV/Aids is to screen the population on a regular basis and isolate those who are infected.
There is clearly a very obvious intent behind this whole thing. I’m certainly not going to be affected by it. I’m totally in the clear. I have absolutely nothing but indifference to what these people are doing.
Despite his comment that he has “nothing but indifference”, The Fellowship has clearly unhinged our man. He wants us to rub asbestos on our faces. Every day! That must be the oddest death fantasy ever publicly admitted.
The FT tried to pin him down, “Who exactly is the ‘they’ that you are pointing to, and what do you think is the purpose of this campaign?” Our man replied, “They are people who deny the existence of the human influence on the earth’s climate.” Which is nobody I know of. I have heard of people—I am one of them—who claim the influence is minimal and not especially worrisome.
But the FT reporter caught scent of the conspiracy. He asked, “Do you think they have other backing?” The reply:
The presumption is since these people are spending so much time trying to write all kinds of malicious articles and indulge in invective, there would probably be some resources that are flowing to them. It’s all part of a pattern. But let me clarify. I have no proof. I can only presume something like this is at work.
So he knows the Fellowship is out there. He even suspects some of the names. The only reason they would be skeptical is because of cash gifts.
But he has no proof! He admittedly has no evidence. Don’t you see what that means?
It must mean that the conspiracy exists. No other conclusion is possible: the logic, so far as I can discover, is air tight.
So I can’t wait to join. I can’t wait especially to partake of some of those malicious monies of which Pachauri spoke. I’m going to be rich!