Marvel’s new Social Justice Warriors! preview took the Hugo Awards by storm. And so did the team itself, who shocked and gratified attendees by using their mutant powers on the award ceremony itself.
Rather than hand out five major awards, which might have gone to authors who produced works of readability and quality, the social justice warriors of the Social Justice Squad slithered into action and, in an exquisitely staged show, mock-battled the Forces of Intolerance and squashed the awards.
The team snatched the best novella, best short story and three others out of the hands of judges mere seconds before they were given to deserving writers instead of favored minorities. The heroic team immediately called a press conference at which they shouted in unison, “Diversity!” And then they vanished!
Hugo Award judges who helped organize the faux-battle were quoted as saying, “This is good for speculative fiction. Our awards were in danger of being known for merit. With the help of the Social Justice Squad, everybody now knows our real purpose is inclusion and equality.”
Just who are these valiant Warriors of Progress?
Quota Girl. A man pretending to be a woman, Bruce Bannthem in his alternate identity of Quota Girl scours HR employment rolls the world over for statistical disparities and discrepancies. Armed only with a wee p-value, Quota Girl can prove to the satisfaction of an appointed judge that a white man with an IQ of 156 hired as aerospace engineer should be passed over in favor of encephalitic woman of color who believes calculus is an oppressive tool of the patriarchy.
Emasculatron. A man pretending to be a man, ex-Womyn’s-Studies-major Lance Mincey is already well known because of his famous catchphrase, “That’s not nice”. His body is able to secrete a Riatlin-like substance which stops any man or boy dead in his tracks, putting them into a coma-like state where all they want to do is scrapbook and join random conversations and say, “Somebody’s feelings might get hurt.”
Title 9 Acerbic-mannered Judith Katz was laboring away in the sub-sub-basement of an obscure Washington department, when one fateful day the air conditioning was turned down. Katz transformed and became Laqueesha Jones, a.k.a. Title 9, a self-identifying black woman with the chilling powers of bureaucratization. It was she who invented the paperwork that self-identified victims of microaggressions and triggerings could file with college administrations.
Look for Social Justice Warriors! everywhere.