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Category: Fun

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

April 16, 2017 | 20 Comments

Happy Easter!

Hidden in this post is an Easter egg of sorts. Searching for it will be easy for experts, difficult for puzzle novices. This is the kind of brain teaser easily dispatched by veterans. The sole clue that I will give you is that the solution involves a simple progression.

I search for these sort of things systematically, and so should you. Break in a new pencil, for you’ll need some sort of writing tool; maybe a scratch pad.

Letters? There are ten—in the solution, I mean.

Oh that’s a new clue, I just realized. Happy muff!

April 3, 2017 | 5 Comments

Finally Revealed: How Russia Rigged The Election

Finally Revealed: How Russia Rigged The Election: Shocking new details emerge.

Early on the morning of 6 July 2016, in the heat of the election battle between the Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, Yuri Svetlopov made his way from the Motel 6 off of Interstate 77 to the Johnson Exhibition Hall in downtown Charlotte, North Carolina. FBI surveillance tapes indicate Svetlopov arrived at 10:13 AM, a little over four hours before a scheduled joint speech by Hillary Clinton and then-president Barack Obama.

Security footage taken outside the Johnson Hall, recently released by FBI Director James Comey, indicates that by 10 AM on that morning a large crowd had already gathered to hear Mrs Clinton speak. Crowd estimate experts put the figure in the two to three-thousand persons range.

But then Svetlopov arrived. He is a small, ordinary man, and tapes reveal that morning he was wearing a black baseball cap (the letters on the cap could not be made out), jeans, and an Iron Maiden t-shirt. The tapes clearly show Svetlopov lighting a cigarette in the parking lot. At 10:14 AM, Svetlopov was seen walking into the crowd.

From that point, his movements cannot be exactly traced. But one thing is certain. By 10:15 AM, the crowd waiting outside the Hall began to diminish steadily. At 10:13 AM, there were between 2,000-3,000 people. By 10:50 AM, footage reveals about 1,500 people.

And by 12:58 PM, there were only about two hundred fifty individuals left.

The FBI isn’t certain, but security camera footage also showed the arrival and departure of three semi-trucks from the Crimean Meat Co. that entered and left the Exhibition Hall’s parking lot. At the time, nobody thought anything about it, because this is the company contracted to provide the pigs-in-a-blanket sausages that Mrs Clinton insists be made available at every venue at which she appears.

Only now a more horrific theory has emerged.

A source high up in the FBI was able to reveal that the same Crimean Meat Co. trucks were spotted at nineteen of twenty-three events in June and July of 2016. These events include a 14 July Seattle book signing and fundraiser. Publishers anticipated “maybe a thousand [people]” would show to the book signing, but only “some two dozen” did.

The source could not place Svetlopov at the Seattle event, but said that what they knew of his travel did allow him sufficient time to arrive at Seattle and later appear in Miami, Florida at another Hillary event, where agents are certain they spotted the same Iron Maiden t-shirt in the small crowd.

“Nothing else but sinister Russian activities could account for the lack of enthusiasm for Hillary at these events,” said the source.

Director Comey corroborated this theory when he revealed an early photo of a man who was a known Hillary supporter, and a later photo of the same man now wearing a “MAGA” hat. MAGA was shorthand for Donald Trump’s slogan “Make America Great Again.”

[…]

Go there to read the rest. But make sure no Russians are looking over your shoulder.

April 2, 2017 | 6 Comments

Holy Matrimony!

Today is the wedding feast of my Number Two Son and his Beautiful Bride.

Yeehaw! (This cheer originates from Texas.) Drinks are on me!

March 29, 2017 | 12 Comments

Happy 3000th Post!

Happy 3000th Post! I know just how you feel. Like it’s 30,000 posts. Still, I am glad you are here. But I have to ask: why are you here?

If you have to question the sanity of somebody who has read all 3,000 gems, most rough, some polished, and you do have to question it, imagine the queries we must put to the author of these precious stones.

What were you thinking?

I can’t remember.

What is your major malfunction?

Hypocrisy.

“For that which I work, I understand not. For I do not that good which I will; but the evil which I hate, that I do. If then I do that which I will not, I consent to the law, that it is good. Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that there dwelleth not in me, that is to say, in my flesh, that which is good. For to will, is present with me; but to accomplish that which is good, I find not. For the good which I will, I do not; but the evil which I will not, that I do. Now if I do that which I will not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.”

Also, the inability to keep my mouth shut.

What are some of the stranger things people have searched for such that search engines directed these people to your site?

“your cousin is seeing fashionable shoe from overseas.he has requested you to advertise these shoes write out the advertisement” (Buy these shoes, please), “boneless pork rectums” (this one is my fault), “does laverne cox still have male parts” (yes, he will always be a man), “how many geniuses are born each year” (almost none), “why aren’t marbles popular” (because people are addicted to devices), “objections to realism” (the world cannot be what you want it to be), “how does the brain tell the difference between good and bad music” (the former enhances the soul, the latter corrupts it), “calibrate porn” (every carpenter likes tight-fitting joints? or was this some sort of inveterate frequentist?), “can an untucked shirt be worn with corporate shoe without sock” (only at sea).

How do you write?

By binge. Many posts all at once, and then long fallow periods where I stare at the ceiling saying, “I should be writing something more lasting.”

But aren’t you working on other books?

Leave me alone. Oh, did you mean reading or writing other books?

Both.

Leave me alone.

Well, what about the podcasts? Didn’t I hear you were getting a camera to do real videos?

I can’t control what you hear.

If you don’t want to talk about what you should be doing, what do you want to talk about?

We could always fall back to the weather. Except even that has been politicized. Insanity. It is as if solar neutrinos suddenly became politically important, and you had nitwits running about moral signalling, saying idiotic things like “Tau neutrinos are more important than electron neutrinos.” Yet if you asked these morally upright folks just what a proton-proton chain reaction is they couldn’t answer. Substitute ‘global warming’ or ‘sustainability’ for neutrinos and you get the same thing.

That’s a strong opinion. I already know not to get you going on gender ideology.

Feel free to ask. Hey, there really is such as thing as gender! Nouns, for instance, can be masculine, feminine and neuter, animate or inanimate. But people can only be male or female.

What’s your opinion about the burgeoning government bureaucracy?

It causes more misery than it does good. It will choke civilization to death. And nobody can stop it. Short of a military coup. Or perhaps a giant rock from space. Or our Lord’s parousia.

Let’s not be too gloomy. This is an anniversary, a time of celebration. What do recommend readers imbibe?

Torpedo ale from Sierra Nevada brewing. Delicious.

Speaking of beer, what can you tell me of the term session ale?

It’s asinine.

When cleaning a fish, should you scale or gut it first?

Gut it first. That way you can grab the now-empty space by the head for extra purchase. If you cut off the head, cut off the pectoral fins, too, where it’s difficult to remove scales. And then hold up the guts to terrorize the squeamish.

Which animal you have hunted that tastes unexpectedly delicious?

Squirrel.

I understand you are fully independent. Do you accept donations?

Do I!

Thank you. I look forward to another 3,000 posts.

Yeah, but who’s going to write them?