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Category: Fun

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

February 17, 2008 | 5 Comments

800 gram balls: Key words in my log files

Every now and then I have a glance at my log files to see what kinds of key words people type into sites like Google and who are subsequently directed to my site. It won’t surprise you that I see things like briggs and bad statistics examples. But there is a class of keywords that I can only describe as odd, even, at times, worrying. Here are those keywords (all spellings are as they were found), split into rough categories. My comments, if any, appear in parentheses. Each of these keywords are real.

Statistics

  • don't forget about us model (I could never)
  • great statisticians (flatterer)
  • how to exaggerate (think big, think big)
  • i need to be statician (it can be a powerful force, it’s true; learning to spell it correctly will help)
  • some pictures of statistician (here’s somebody with a lot of time on their hands)
  • statisticians aviod doing things because other people are doing it (I think he has us confused with accountants)
  • statistician god exists (His name is Stochastikos)
  • virginity statistics (score: 0 to 0)
  • lifelong virginity statistics (score still tied)
  • what to look for in a statician (get one of the tall ones; we have a sense of humor)
  • why do statisticians love tables? (because we can’t help ourselves)
  • you cannot be a scientist if you are not a good mathematician (I have the feeling that this person desired a negative answer)

Zombies

  • factors that cause zombism (blogging…)
  • recorded zombie outbreaks
  • what year will zombies take over the earth? (has to be soon)
  • wild zombies (as opposed to domesticated?)
  • will zombie attacks happen
  • zombies can happen (he might have been trying to answer the other guy)
  • zombies in nature
  • zombies true or false

Miscellaneous

  • 800g balls (mine are only 760g–in petanque, of course!)
  • anything (I can see Google knows where to go…)
  • beer does not have enough alcohol (which is why I tend to stick with rum)
  • home is where the heart is william briggs (somebody’s trying to give me a lesson)
  • horizontal alcoholic (is there any other kind?)
  • how does pseudoscience effect the mind (badly)
  • lee majors george bush (you can’t go wrong aligning yourself with the six-million dollar man)
  • man's got his limits briggs (true enough; must be same advice giver as before)
  • purposely causing someone to get cancer (oh my…no murder tips here)
  • sentence with the word, "impossibility" (shouldn’t be hard to come by)
  • what can we do not to be poor (get a job)
February 13, 2008 | 18 Comments

Global Warming Stress Syndrome Increasing, Psychologist Says

There has been a disturbing increase in Global Warming Stress Syndrome (GWSS, pronounced gwiss) according to Dr. Ron N. Hyde, a clinical psychologist at the prestigious McKitrick Center for the Especially Disturbed.

“Since April, there is been a 32.817% increase in public cases of GWSS,” he explained. “The rate now is almost double what it was this time last year.” He added the trend was very worrying to his colleagues.

According to literature provided by the McKitrick Center, GWSS was at first a disease confined to academics, where it was thought to be controllable. But somehow it became public in the mid 1990s and struck those whose minds were weakest and easiest to influence, such as celebrities. Since GWSS is communicable, the next to be infected were those in the media in contact with celebrities.

“Entertainment news reporters have become increasingly integrated into ordinary news organizations, which made it easier to disseminate much-needed celebrity gossip and tittle-tattle. But it also meant that ordinary reporters soon became infected,” explained the brochure.

“After the mainstream media contracted GWSS, it was only a matter of time before politicians displayed symptoms of GWSS.”

Dr. Hyde described typical symptoms: “A belief that mankind causes every bad event, excessive hand-wringing, frequent bowel movements, a tendency to lurk on internet message boards and post things such as, ‘There is a consensus! There is a consensus!’, an irrational desire to measure one’s personal ‘carbon footprint.'” But the most worrying of all is the, “Urge to make idiotic comments in public tying global warming to any event.”

As examples, he cited Loch Ness Monster hunter Robert Rines, who has publicly claimed that global warming has killed the monster, which is why nobody can find it.

And the recent comments of New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg who likened global warming to terrorism. Bloomberg said, “terrorists kill people” and global warming “has the potential to kill everybody.” “We should go after terrorists every place in this world, find them and kill them, plain and simple,” Bloomberg said.

Dr Hyde explained, “All the classic manifestations are there. Mayor Bloomberg didn’t actually say—yet—that we should hunt down and kill those who exhale exorbitant amounts of carbon dioxide, but he implied it.” At the United Nations forum where Bloomberg spoke, also in attendance were film actress Daryl Hannah and Virgin Atlantic Airways founder Richard Branson. “It’s always the contact with celebrities that does it,” Hyde explained. Bloomerg’s statements are “strong evidence of a seriously addled mind.”

Dr. Hyde ended his statement on an ominous note, “So far, there is no known cure for GWSS.”

For the record, the only official program Mayor Bloomberg has announced so far is to reduce the use of hardwoods on city park benches.

February 4, 2008 | 6 Comments

San Francisco mandatory carbon-footprint reduction program begins

Mayor Gavin Newsom announced that San Francisco’s mandatory carbon-footprint reduction program will begin as scheduled on the first of March.

“There never was a problem as serious as global warming and we must take action now,” said mayoral spokesman William Simonson. “San Franciscans are among the most enlightened people of the world and they are eager to do their part,” he continued.

Phase One of the program requires all citizens to cease jogging and other aerobic activities. “Each time a San Franciscan exhales, they add to the already over-burdened carbon dioxide load of the atmosphere.” Simonson explained that “jogging increases the amount of CO2 in people’s breath to unacceptable levels.” All jogging paths will be converted to green space which will also help absorb CO2. Conversion is expected to last at least three years.

The more controversial part of the program is Phase Two, which is expected to remain voluntary. “Each citizen must decide whether Phase Two”—which the mayor has dubbed Going Home—“is right for them.” A public square highlighting a monument on which will be engraved a listing of the volunteers will be opened downtown by late summer. All work on the square has been donated by Gore Enterprises.

“We hope that this beautiful place will encourage more people, not just here in San Francisco, but all over the world to do their part,” said the mayor.

Phase Two is not without controversy. Bob Thorn of Let Us Breath, a non-profit group, said, “This program will never remain purely voluntary. This is just the mayor playing politics.”

Simonson has been quoted as saying that there are no plans to make Phase Two mandatory. “We will visit that issue if our carbon sequestration goals have not been met.” He added that the Let Us Breath’s “scare tactics” were typical of “climate denialists” and that everybody so far has expressed “nothing but support” for the program.

Gore enterprises is a subsidiary of the Soylent Corporation, makers of Soylent Green®.

January 31, 2008 | 54 Comments

Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows

A new study by scientists has suggested that zombie attacks might increase if the current projections of global warming are realized. “If the earth gets warmer, it means longer springs, summers, and falls, and shorter winters,” said John Carpenter-Romero, Ph.D., a zombie-ologist who co-authored the study. “And shorter winters means more time for the undead to prey on the populace.”

Dr. Harrister, the other co-author, and head of Zombie Robotics at Wayward Robot, Inc., explained that cold winters typically stalled the walking dead. “It is well known that zombies can’t operate in cold weather. It freezes their brains.”

The pair calculated a 32.782412% increase in zombie attacks if CO2 increased to twice its pre-industrial rate. “Clearly, this is a very troubling result,” said Dr. Harrister, “If we don’t do something soon, the streets will be filled with blood.”

Update: be sure to read the follow-up post: Zombies no joke, global warming can cause anything.