Skip to content

Category: Fun

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

February 4, 2008 | 6 Comments

San Francisco mandatory carbon-footprint reduction program begins

Mayor Gavin Newsom announced that San Francisco’s mandatory carbon-footprint reduction program will begin as scheduled on the first of March.

“There never was a problem as serious as global warming and we must take action now,” said mayoral spokesman William Simonson. “San Franciscans are among the most enlightened people of the world and they are eager to do their part,” he continued.

Phase One of the program requires all citizens to cease jogging and other aerobic activities. “Each time a San Franciscan exhales, they add to the already over-burdened carbon dioxide load of the atmosphere.” Simonson explained that “jogging increases the amount of CO2 in people’s breath to unacceptable levels.” All jogging paths will be converted to green space which will also help absorb CO2. Conversion is expected to last at least three years.

The more controversial part of the program is Phase Two, which is expected to remain voluntary. “Each citizen must decide whether Phase Two”—which the mayor has dubbed Going Home—“is right for them.” A public square highlighting a monument on which will be engraved a listing of the volunteers will be opened downtown by late summer. All work on the square has been donated by Gore Enterprises.

“We hope that this beautiful place will encourage more people, not just here in San Francisco, but all over the world to do their part,” said the mayor.

Phase Two is not without controversy. Bob Thorn of Let Us Breath, a non-profit group, said, “This program will never remain purely voluntary. This is just the mayor playing politics.”

Simonson has been quoted as saying that there are no plans to make Phase Two mandatory. “We will visit that issue if our carbon sequestration goals have not been met.” He added that the Let Us Breath’s “scare tactics” were typical of “climate denialists” and that everybody so far has expressed “nothing but support” for the program.

Gore enterprises is a subsidiary of the Soylent Corporation, makers of Soylent Green®.

January 31, 2008 | 54 Comments

Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows

A new study by scientists has suggested that zombie attacks might increase if the current projections of global warming are realized. “If the earth gets warmer, it means longer springs, summers, and falls, and shorter winters,” said John Carpenter-Romero, Ph.D., a zombie-ologist who co-authored the study. “And shorter winters means more time for the undead to prey on the populace.”

Dr. Harrister, the other co-author, and head of Zombie Robotics at Wayward Robot, Inc., explained that cold winters typically stalled the walking dead. “It is well known that zombies can’t operate in cold weather. It freezes their brains.”

The pair calculated a 32.782412% increase in zombie attacks if CO2 increased to twice its pre-industrial rate. “Clearly, this is a very troubling result,” said Dr. Harrister, “If we don’t do something soon, the streets will be filled with blood.”

Update: be sure to read the follow-up post: Zombies no joke, global warming can cause anything.

January 25, 2008 | 5 Comments

Italian political tactics no different than Italian soccer tactics

As pointed out by my number one son,

“during the debate [in the Italian senate] one senator rushed in fury to the desk of a colleague, Stefano Cusumano, and taunted and apparently tried to attack him. Mr. Cusumano, 60, reportedly cried, then collapsed.”

To those of us who have seen this secret video tape of the Italian soccer training camp, Seantor Cusumano’s parliamentary tactics come as no surprise.

January 15, 2008 | 1 Comment

This is what happens when you allow actors to speak without a script

Tom Cruise rules the world

From the video where Mr Cruise identifies scientologists:? “You can see the look in their eyes, you know the ones who are doing it. And you know the spectators, the ones who are going, ‘It’s easy for you’ … I’ve canceled that in my area of my mind. So it’s our responsibility to educate, create the new reality. We have that responsibility to say, ‘Hey, this is how it should be done.'”

Be sure to watch the last minute.