Yours Truly is always on the lookout for teaching jobs, since that is his passion and where his skills lie, and so is well familiar with the application process at our great nation’s colleges and universities.
These institutions are anxious to tell you two things: who they don’t not want to hire and who they do want to hire. The latter are really echoes of the first, which will become clear in a moment.
This list (example) of who they do want is common: “Women, minorities, and qualified individuals with disabilities are encouraged to apply.” These are variously worded and carry the implication that non-women, non-minority, qualified (?) individuals without disabilities needn’t rush in their applications.
More to our concern is the list of don’t not wants; the string of we-won’t-considers which is now de rigueur in any job announcement. In the good old days, this was a bare “We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” No more. Now it’s a laundry list of causes, growing ever lengthier.
I’ve seen some long ones, but never one a long as this one, issued by Skidmore College (found at the bottom of this link):
Skidmore College is committed to being an inclusive campus community and, as an Equal Opportunity Employer, does not discriminate in its hiring or employment practices on the basis of gender, race or ethnicity, color, national origin, religion, age, disability, military or marital status, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, domestic violence victim status, predisposing genetic characteristics or prior arrest or conviction record or any other category protected by applicable federal, state, or local laws.
I count 17 don’t not wants; 18 if you include the “other category protected” jazz (“race or ethnicity” is 2, “gender identity or expression” is 2, etc.). This is the basis of our Contest.
Of course, Skidmore doesn’t believe what it wrote, because immediately after this list it announces “members of underrepresented groups are especially encouraged” to apply, which means they’re willing to positively discriminate on the basis of gender, race or ethnicity, and color.
Plus, I bet they’d be willing to negatively discriminate against those who are sexually “oriented” towards children or stray cats, or negatively against those with predisposing genetic characteristics which indicate retardation, or negatively against those with disabilities relating to advanced mental functions, particularly those which facilitate grant writing.
What was oddest was this addendum to the list:
Employment at Skidmore College is contingent upon an acceptable background check result.
But didn’t they just say they wouldn’t negatively discriminate against those with a prior arrest or conviction record? Or do they mean they would discriminate against those whom background investigations reveal are not enthusiastic supporters of diversity? Who can tell.
Whoever can discover a longer list than Skidmore’s qualifies. The number to beat is 17 (“other” categories won’t count). I am the complete and unquestionable arbiter. The first with the longest list before Friday, 18 October 2013 wins. If nobody has anything by then, the contest is off.
The list may come from any English-speaking college, university, or educational institution aimed at those past high school from anywhere in the world. It must be fully documented, preferably with a link where we can check. The list must be copied into the comment box below.
A Kindle version of Ed Feser’s terrific The Last Superstition: A Refutation of the New Atheism. The winner must email me the email he uses with Amazon to collect the prize by 25 October 2013 (you don’t need a Kindle to read Kindle books; Amazon has free apps for phones and computers).
Let’s see if we can forward this to as many people as possible so that we have the best chance of discovering the longest list.
Update 19 is now the number to beat. See Brandon Watson’s entry below.
Update 21 is now the number to beat. See Jim Fedako’s entry below.
Update 23 is now the number to beat. See Richard’s entry below. Canada may still be ripe for picking.
Update We have a winner!
Richard, with his Victoria University in Melbourne entry is the grand prize victor with a whopping 23 Don’t Not Wants. Richard, you have until 25 October to email me at email@example.com with the email you use with Amazon. (Also show me the email you used to enter your comment so that I’ll know it’s you and not an imposter.)