Did you feel it? The latest lurch towards insanity happened in Baltimore, where seven-year-old Josh Welch was suspended from school for eating a Pop Tart.
Turns out he bit off just the right portions of the popular breakfast pastry so as to shape it into a shiv, which he had planned on sticking into the kidney of Bradly Peters, 7, a classmate who had earlier taunted Welch at recess. Welch later admitted to police that he hit upon the idea after a biology lecture on the digestive system. He thought the Pop Tart would dissolve in Peters’s gut so that no murder weapon would be found. This demonstrates the dangers of an incomplete education.
Just kidding! In a fit of artistic creativity, he actually tried to make the Pop Tart resemble the side of a mountain. But a quick-thinking professional educator—schools don’t have teachers anymore—knew the pastry for what it was. A gun!
She—the sex of the educator is a guess, but I’m willing to take bets—knew just what to do. Panic hysterically. She dragged young Josh to the principal’s office, where (we can guess) the pair commenced wringing their hands manically. What to do! What to do!
There was only one course of action. Kick the young offender out and suspend him.
You may say this was an overreaction. Not so. Allow if-you-squint-gun-shaped Pop Tarts, the next thing you’ll find is lollipop-stick spittle-tipped arrows, fudgesicle-stick bombs (these are real, incidentally), banana skin booby traps (tee hee), chocolate-milk boarding, and licorice whips. Anarchy. Why, kids might even fill in the holes of donuts!
The school where the educator and asthmatic principal reside is being bombarded with emails and phone calls. You know what will happen. They’ll issue a statement denying culpability, hinting of dark motivations, of blood-covered slippery slopes. Sandy Hook! Columbine! The words “important”, “zero-tolerance”, and “safe” and “safety” will be repeated often.
The citizenry will vent, but the educators won’t budge. Parents, ever cautious, will tell their kiddies not to make anything even vaguely representing weaponry. Better to frighten them lest they commit and offense.
Despair over the inevitable is for suckers and weaklings. Might as well try to find what enjoyment there is while you remind yourself that it will all soon be over, that your time on this planet is limited.
Update Any wonder our kids emerge from school stunted? “A Florida high school student wrestled a loaded gun away from another teen on the bus ride home this week and was slapped with a suspension in return…The school’s referral slip said he was given an ’emergency suspension’ for being involved in an ‘incident’ with a weapon.”