At last college professors have found a way to supplement their income, and perhaps to steal back some of the tuition dollars that traditionally head right to the pocket of deans.
The new method is this: assign essays, threaten to use Turnitin, software (which did not exist in pre-Biden days) which exposes plagiarism and thus encourages original writing, and then hope the kiddies find their way to UnemployedProfessors.com, a site which sells original essays written by professors to students who are too busy acquiring “social knowledge”, as one school put it.
Incidentally, besides checking for cheating, Turnitin also automatically grades papers, relieving professors of that dull duty, too.
“Unemployed” Professors is unabashed in its description. Step 1 of the process is to “Get a lame-ass project from your Professor,” an acknowledgement that much of college life is mere time filling. Step 2 is to enter the project into the site. Step 3 is “PARTY!”, which by coincidence is also Step 5.
They will write essays, lab reports, even dissertations. They will do math, physics, and statistics homework. They will write computer programs and then claim that, as they write your resume, that you know how to write computer programs. The student is left only one chore: clicking the payment button. Burdens!
The site has a blog which tells prospective clients why its services are superior to its many competitors. It has such entries as “Don’t Hate Da Playa; Hate Da Game” and “How to Sleep with Your Professor.”
It should be obvious that we have Reached The End. There is nowhere left to descend to. Some thought the nadir was in the student riots of the 1960s. Some pointed to the open enrollment policies of the 1970s. Others posited the creation of “Studies” degrees (Gender studies, Black studies, etc.) in the 1990s. But the end was not yet.
It must now be clear that when professors both assign and perform the work (while automatically grading it), and charge for both, we have bottomed out.
Therefore, it is time to admit that classical “liberal” education is finished.
The solution is obvious. Beginning in 2016 (to allow everybody now in time to finish), every high school graduate is to be automatically awarded, by our most beneficent government, a diploma stating that he or she has completed college. The diplomas shall all read “Harvard”, so that nobody can be accused of class bias. The student must only foot the printing and shipping and handling charges of their degree.
Think of the vast savings! Upwards of a quarter-million dollars per student, all of which can be left in their and in their parents’ pockets, to be spent on less moribund areas of our economy.
The majority of our children will be satisfied with their well deserved degrees. And kids who still want to learn what a quark is, or how to titrate, or why Socrates is mortal, or how Constantinople derived its name, or what a div, grad, and curl are, can enroll in the one- to two-year trade schools which teach these subjects, schools which will be created from the remnants of the old colleges and universities, institutions which will not award “degrees”, but will issue letters swearing their students know the material.
And what of the mass of then truly unemployed professors of “Theory”, “Studies” and the like? Ship them to, say, Egypt and Libya and make them members of its bureaucracy. What better punishment for their recent ill behavior?