Alien Invasions To Increase Because Of Global Warming, Scientists

Eco-warriors from beyond the skies are on their way to destroy our world before we do—women and minorities are expected to be hardest hit—according to a shocking new report from scientists at Penn State and NASA.

Seems these little Greenpeace men from Mars might be incensed because we’ve released too much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere for their taste. Humanity, ET might surmise, must be eliminated “To improve galactic infrastructure.”

This is the conclusion of Seth Baum and colleagues, authors of “Would Contact with Extraterrestrials Benefit or Harm Humanity? A Scenario Analysis.” Those who have read Pournelle and Niven’s Footfall (where the president calls in science fiction writers to explain an alien invasion) will recognize that a scenario analysis “can help us train our minds to recognize patterns in actual outcomes.”

The training process is thus simply reading and reflecting on the scenarios and the encounter patterns found in them. The patterns of an actual encounter may resemble the analyzed scenarios even if the specifics differ from the scenario details. By training our minds in this way, we build our capacity to analyze and respond to actual contact with ETI.

What will happen once ET shows up? “If ETI are significantly more advanced than humanity, then the outcome of contact may depend primarily on ETI desires”, about which “Much can be said.”

In rough terms, a selfish ETI is one that desires to maximize its own self-interest, whereas a universalist ETI is one that desires to maximize the interests of everyone, regardless of which civilization they are part of.

This isn’t very precise and the authors know it. So they add that “it is helpful to think of ETI as trying to maximize some sort of value function.” Now we’re into the realm of proper scientific equations. This alien calculus hints that ETs might possess a superior kind of universalist ethics. Unlike people:

Human ethics is often anthropocentric in the sense that it places intrinsic value only on human phenomena, such as human life, human happiness, or other human factors. Such anthropocentrism is selfish on a civilizational scale because it involves humans only placing intrinsic value on the interests of their own civilization.

Alien Abduction Survival GuideAn “advanced ETI civilization could easily colonize the galaxy to form a Galactic Club among intelligent societies, a concept popular in science fiction (such as the ‘United Federation of Planets’ of Star Trek fame) ”

If there is a UFP, we have to explain why we haven’t been invited to join. The Fermi paradox states that if aliens were so cool that they could fly through space with the greatest of ease, they’d already be here since they had plenty of time to make their move. We don’t see them, thus they aren’t here. We conclude that they don’t exist.

But if you ask my Uncle Pat, they’ve been here for years. And we have seen them, but the Man won’t acknowledge it. The author of the Alien Abduction Survival Guide: How to Cope with Your ET Experience also scoffs at the idea that ET isn’t here. (She also advises that if you’re going to be deep probed, it’s best to lie back and enjoy it.)

One of our author’s solutions is to partially agree with my uncle: the aliens are here, but they’re remaining purposely non-partisan à la Star Trek and its “prime directive.” Humans are in a planetary zoo or ghetto, like those creatures “inDistrict 9.”

The aliens are currently standoffish, but once they grow weary of our eco-crimes, look out! Because scenario analysis “suggests a standard fight-to-win conflict: a war of the worlds.” The ETs will reason that “If one’s goal is to maximize ecosystem flourishing, then perhaps it would be better if humanity did not exist, or at least if it existed in significantly reduced form.” Out the door we go.

The ArrivalIt’s not all bad. In another scenario, the ETs don’t know we’re here. But a “core concern is that ETI will learn of our presence and quickly travel to Earth to eat or enslave us.” (L. Ron Hubbard’s Battlefield Earth is not mentioned.)

Even more horrific is the scenario where “other selfish motives may cause ETI to harm us, such as their drive to spread their beliefs through evangelism (akin to the spread of Christianity or Islam) or their desire to use humans for entertainment purposes” just as humans “use sea lions and seals.” Clap, Nancy!

The authors forgot a prime scenario, one that has this scientist’s backing. Those who have seen the Charlie Sheen documentary The Arrival already know that a cabal of ETs has been secretly modifying our atmosphere since the mid 1980s.

In the movie—I’m going by memory—Sheen plays scientist James Hansen who tries to warn a complacent world that the end is nigh. He travels to remote lands and battles aliens mano a mano. He saves the girl, destroys pod people, but only stalls the inevitable. We await the conclusion.

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Thanks to Roger Cohen and the many other readers who brought this study to our attention.

Update See my comment below. This was peer-reviewed research, folks.

25 Comments

  1. It was like an Onion piece. As for NASA, it has become an agency of fools and incompetents. But we are the ultimate fools who paid for this study and for electing those who put this kind of thing in place.

  2. Another relevant film is “The Day the Earth Stood Still.” In the original of 1951 starring Michael Rennie and Patricia Neal, the aliens are upset about the bomb. The remake dished in the environment, of course. But at least this was presumably funded by Hollywood private interests, not all of us.

  3. On a slightly more intellectual note, is anyone besides moi becoming tired of the juvenile “gotcha” mindset of so-called “scientists” – these today from Penn State and NASA – who’s exercises in analytical logic lead them to illogical but probably personally satisfying conclusions as they work through potential “scenarios” based on [ahem] studies?

    If there were such a thing as “Eco-warriors”, and if they were mad at earthbound humans for mucking about the neighborhood, wouldn’t logic point them more toward a policy of avoidance, instead of confrontation? Unless they were simply spoiling for a fight. If that’s the case there are barrooms in Texas they could visit.

  4. I will go out on a limb and say that alien visitiation will double in the comming decade compared to the previous decade.

  5. The advance party of aliens are already here and using esoteric blogs like those expounding on statistics to discover the truly dangerous thinkers among us – so they can dispatch them first when the final takeover comes. The rest of the masses will just become livestock and, the sad thing is, they will continue setting behind their computers playing alien controlled online games and never realize their fate until it is their turn to become the main ingredient in an alien Soupe du jour.

  6. All,

    A fuller quote which shows why aliens hate global warming:

    The possibility of harmful contact with ETI suggests that we may use some caution for [messages to] ETI. Given that we have already altered our environment in ways that may viewed as unethical by universalist ETI, it may be prudent to avoid sending any message that shows evidence of our negative environmental impact. The chemical composition of Earth’s atmosphere over recent time may be a poor choice for a message because it would show a rapid accumulation of carbon dioxide from human activity. Likewise, any message that indicates of widespread loss of biodiversity or rapid rates of expansion may be dangerous if received by such universalist ETI. On the other hand, advanced ETI may already know about our rapid environmental impact by listening to leaked electromagnetic signals or observing changes in Earth’s spectral signature. In this case, it might be prudent for any message we send to avoid denying our environmental impact so as to avoid the ETI catching us in a lie.

    This was published in the peer-reviewed journal Acta Astronautica 68 (2011) 2114–2129.

  7. mrBriggs, it’s not only global warming that will kill us by alien invasion, they are telling us that it would be wise to stop spammin the airwaves with global warming skepticism / denialsim, or else the aliens would understand we are people that “lie” and so they would kill us.

    It’s the most original form of censorship I’ve ever seen. And it’s on arXiv, not in TimeCube! Hilarious!

  8. The idea that ETs, who are advanced enough to travel here, will eat us doesn’t seem likely to me. And they probably possess sophisticated geo-engineering knowledge and technology, and could solve many problems for us. Who knows?!

    And when ET shows up, “he saves the girl“ will be a thing of the past. Girls will save themselves. ^_^

    I don’t think I’ll live to see the day though.

  9. Update The database has—once again, for the second time this week—been fixed.

    All comments over the last hour or two have been lost. I apologize. Please re-submit if you don’t see yours.

    My server (Yahoo) is only running MySQL version 4.1 and cannot be talked into converting to the newer version.

  10. As a very occasional comenter here, (hurrah! they cry), it would be immodest of me to point out that in my last comment on this site – early this year – regarding our prognostications for the year 2011 I predicted a double dip which would be a doozy and also that our alien lizard overlords would reveal themselves.

    O.K., technically we haven’t double dipped yet, but with Gore/Gort revealing himself as a malfunctioning robot in that spittle flecked tirade in an alien language last week and Krugman, (obviously a low level lizard despite attempting to hide behind that stupid beard), giving us warning of the coming alien invasion which would cure the depression, and now this very obvious report from NASA, (where better to hide if you’re an alien), I feel vindicated.

    And they called me mad! Ha! Me! Mad! Hahahahahahah!

  11. We have no idea what Aliens would find interesting and what not. But if I had a proper space ship, I would be visiting interesting places, just like when I am visiting a foreign country. I do not not go to the boring suburbs of some boring city, I am visit the highlights. And I certainly don’t care whether the boring streets in that boring suburb are filed with boring litter. It isn’t my problem. Local rubbish is for locals to worry about.

  12. Reading the recommendation about changing the atmosphere I was reminded of my reaction to agent Smith’s monologue from The Matrix:

    I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I’ve realized that you are not actually mammals. (Smiles) Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment. But you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. (Leans forward) There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague.

    my reaction:

    What about deer which do the pretty much the same thing? And locusts. Lots of plants too. Hmm, also bear populations do this. Well doesn’t nearly every species behaves like this, if they didn’t wouldn’t they would have been wiped out by those species which weren’t so ‘considerate’ of their environment? Agent Smith, you are just plain wrong.

    Sure ETIs might be able to detect changes in atmospheric composition, but if ETIs were worried about changing atmospheres on Earth ETIs would have wiped out the oxygen producing bacteria back when they changed the atmosphere long before mankind was on the scene (and man would have evolved). Much like Agent Smith, Baum, Haqq-Misra, & Domagal-Goldman are unable to put aside their inherent distaste of humanity to view the issue objectively. Earth’s atmosphere has changed in the past without causing ETIs to come to restore it to it’s “pristine” state and destroy the offenders, why would changes wrought by man different enough from those changes to cause ETIs to intervene?

  13. Got to be careful with those ETs. I remember reading a UFO mag a long time ago that told the story of a man walking his dog when a ship of ETs landed. The dog of course went off running and yapping toward the ETs until they hit it with some bright radiation beam. The photo of the poor pooch was just disgusting. Its burnt hide hung on it like the Salvador Dali Melting Clock. I cannot get that horrible sight out of my mind to this day.

    Best to turn down the A/C and start walking or biking to work. Those ETs can be nasty.

  14. “Given that we have already altered our environment in ways that may viewed as unethical by universalist ETI” …

    How on earth can these so-called scientists presume the ethics of fictional beings? What imaginable premise can they possibly be basing their statement on?

    “In this case, it might be prudent for any message we send to avoid denying our environmental impact so as to avoid the ETI catching us in a lie.”

    OMG and these fictional space beings hate lies and liers? We are doomed. Doomed.

  15. Why does no-one expect them to send us their idiots? we’re very good with idiots. we put them in high office. we give them lots of air time. They even write blogs (not this one).

    Very likely this is the best place in the universe for idiots.

    i think this whole alien business needs more thought.

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