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Batman Arrested!

Batman—the Dark Knight himself—-was found Wednesday night hanging by a thread from the roof of Meyer’s Ace Hardware store in Harbor Springs, Michigan. Batman! The Petoskey News Review reports that Batman was spotted by a concerned citizen who called the cops.

Responding officers, including Michigan State Police troopers, saw “a male subject, dressed in a Batman costume, hanging off the western wall of the building,” according to the release. The officers got onto the roof and pulled the man back onto it.

They arrested him!

What makes it worse is that not only did the collar lead the police to discover Batman’s secret identity, but the newspapers found and published his real name.

He is 31-year-old Mark Wayne Williams, the reclusive playboy thousandnaire and denizen of the metropolis of Harbor Springs, population 1,551, a town absolutely reeking with picturesque views, tucked into a harbor high up on Lake Michigan. (Your author took his Senior Prom dinner at Stafford’s Pier Restaurant in downtown Harbor Springs.)

Williams, patrolling as Batman, had attached to his utility belt a “gas ejective device” (Freeze Plus P), a sap, and a ninja-style folding steel baton. All these are obviously necessary accoutrement to fight crime, but the police could not agree. They humorlessly charged Williams with several felonies for possessing the tools of his trade.

It was at this point that Williams could have saved himself, or at least retained his honor. He could have used his arrest to issue a warning to criminals. “Beware evil doers, wherever you are!” is what he should have shouted. He could have pointed out that during his watch Harbor Springs has seen no murders, no rapes, no robberies, and just one lone assault. Just imagine how these numbers would have soared had he not been so vigilant!

But Williams-Batman chose the modern way and said,

“I realize that this is a serious offense. I honestly had no idea the items I was holding are illegal,” Williams told the court during his arraignment Wednesday afternoon in Emmet County 90th District Court. “I did not intend to harm anyone with these items. I swear that.”

No harm! How will that strike fear into the hearts of felonious fiends, heinous hoods and gruesome gangsters, not to forget the various masterminds and nemeses which populate the underworld. They now know that Batman won’t be there to stop them. Watch out Harbor Springs! A wave of crime is about to wash over you.

13 thoughts on “Batman Arrested! Leave a comment

  1. A funny post.

    Have no fear and do not worry! Spandex-clad, emblem-bearing heroes, such as Superman, Spiderman and the Fantastic Four, are still out there fighting every type of crime that they see and hear and battling villains from Mr. Mxyzptlk to Doctor Doom.

    Anyway, superheroes should give up spandex.

  2. Never mind about the residents of Harbor Springs. They’re are fairly sophisticated and can likely take care of themselves. What about the poor folks living as far away as Cross Village, Pellston, Indian River and Charlevoix? They’ve been relying on living within Batman’s circle of protection all this time and now the dastardly lawmen of Harbor Springs have robbed, I say robbed them of their very security. Have HSPD no shame?

  3. The crime rate must indeed be low in Harbor Springs if it was mentioned in the newspaper and the police even bothered charging him with this. Apparently, multiple times. Third time offender, no less. Does Michigan have a Three Strikes law? If so, does it mean life for him? Doesn’t say he ever used those dangerous weapons but, of course, there was always the potential. The Minority Report comes alive. The dangerous weapons law seems to imply that you aren’t permitted to carry anything for your own defense — at least not while hanging around an Ace Hardware store. (Question: if I buy a hammer, which can be used as a bludgeon, at the same Ace Hardware can I be arrested for carrying it home?). Or was the offense that he was arrested while carrying those things? Anyway, Harbor Springs is much safer now that only criminals will carry dangerous weapons.

  4. Doesn’t Bat-Man have the same rights to bear arms as every other law-abiding citizen?

    I was under the impression that if I wanted to wear a sword attached to my belt, that is within my rights. Why not a baton? In the state of California, I have the right to carry an unconcealed unloaed gun. I must keep the bullets in a separate pocket.

  5. Oops. Just saw the next post. I meant to say “Thank the result of cognitive science in evolutionary societies aroundthe world.” or was it evolutionay science in cognitive societies?

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