Work is catching up to me this week, so today only the briefest of reports, with the promise of a return to regularity after this weekend. Also keep those post suggestions coming everybody!
Thanks to the Daily Mail, we learn of new “research” which says that global warming causes cancer.
Melting glaciers and ice sheets are releasing cancer-causing pollutants into the air and oceans, scientists say.
The long-lasting chemicals get into the food chain and build up in people’s bodies – triggering tumours, heart disease and infertility.
It had to happen. Global warming has been proved, in the same manner as this new paper proves its dread effect, to cause every other horrific kind of premature death, from swarming insect attacks, to rampant prostitution and its natural aftermaths, to unstoppable epidemics of this bacteria and that virus.
But nobody thought to put the Big C on the list until Donald Cooper of the United Nations Environment Programme. His mental efforts deserve some kind of prize or award, surely. It’s true Cooper’s invention is not the most imaginative cause of death caused by climate change. That distinction, even though I say it myself, goes to me and my number two son, after we proved conclusively that zombie attacks must increase because of global warming.
It’s also so that it was only a matter of time that cancer showed up as an aftereffect of a half degree Centigrade rise in global average temperatures. Cooper real feat was being first, for having the guts to cross the line and say what others wanted to, but did not. So this one’s for you, Coop. You have provided the last legitimate fright.
That also means there is nothing else; at least nothing else conventional and semi-realistic (zombies don’t fall into either classification). Even increased waves of madness have been predicted to arise because of global warming, the waves composed of human bodies crashing to the ground in suicide attempts (yes, suicides are supposed to increase because of global warming).
Researchers can only gain notoriety by predicting the new, bizarre, or shocking. All the regular routes have been taken. Therefore, the question we have before us today is: what new deadly realistic thing will global warming be said to cause to increase? Let’s get the predictions noted down here, all in one place, so they are easy to verify later.
The only rules are: you can’t use something already in print, and you should try hard to tie your dread cause of death to a funding source, so that when you use the phrase “more research is needed”, you see the money flow.