William M. Briggs

Statistician to the Stars!

“Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”

The most charming story I have read in years is from Jennifer Fermino in today’s New York Post. Be sure not to miss this graphic.

13 Comments

  1. This kid is going places.

  2. Ah, bless him. Ari, you’re right.
    His Dad or male elder’s given him good advice, but it won’t be enough.
    He’s just like Trevor Smith, (we were six) I don’t recall ever saying a word to him, just lots of sheepish smiling and an embarrassing incident with a crayoned valentine card.
    He’s not entirely right about the pretty girls.
    Faint heart never won fair hand…and you can’t design who you fall in love with. If you think you can, think again.
    Never believe your heart is unbreakable it is the first step to a broken heart.

  3. This video pretty much sums up in a nutshell (pun intended) everything a young lad needs to know about pretty girls:

    http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/iceagedawnofthedinosaurs/large_t.html

    …they’re smarter and more evolved than us guys.

    High def version available at:

    http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/iceagedawnofthedinosaurs/

    Enjoy!

  4. Did you read his initial description of pretty girls? They might more correctly be called “girls who wear lots of jewelry and adornments”. So, the young lads definition of pretty would be “Ginger” as opposed to “Mary Ann”. Stereotypes aren’t always true, but there well may be a correlation between being high maintenance and being a “Ginger”.

  5. OK, I am an empiricist – let’s see if this works:

    Hi, Joy!!

    Hi, Lucia!!

  6. Joy,

    I think you’re close, but you forget that is the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and we always talk about having a strong, iron-clad stomach as being a sign of manliness.

    So really, the hidden wisdom is that we men must defend our hearts through a strong stomach. Clearly.

    lucia,

    Applying the Gilligan’s Isle theory of womanhood, does that also mean that only the handsome professors of sciency science ever get to kiss the Gingers? The only episode I remember having her getting kissed involved The Professor.

  7. I liked his advice on being wary of pretty girls. My grandfather gave me the exact same advice on his deathbed.

  8. Hello Bernie! Which experiment are we doing?

    Bruce foutch,
    That’s enough to scare a lad to death! It pays to know a girl first before giving her your acorn.

    Here’s a top tip from Nigella for drying tears.

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=f-GROUFa9u8

  9. Ari–
    As a woman, I am willing to attest that The Professor was the hottest guy on the island. Given the alternatives, I would expect both Mary Ann and Ginger would prefer kissing the Professor to any of the other guys.

    Hi Bernie! 🙂

    Joy– Wasn’t Scrat stealing the girl squirrel’s acorn in the first place?

  10. Joy:
    It worked 1 out of 2 times – perhaps the kid is on to something (or perhaps not)!

  11. Lucia:
    I missed your response! 2 out of 2! – the kid is onto something.

  12. Love this topic.
    Lucia,
    I watched it again, but it all happened so fast!You are probably right. I thought it was his.

    Here’s a scenario. “How to get the girl.” I include numbers for the mathematically minded and to preserve the identity of the individuals.
    “Licence to dress to Kill”
    Alarge group of friends go out for a New Year’s eve fancy dress but only five are studied here: The girl in her Bond Girl outfit, who normally wears no make-up, preferring to conceal her weapons.
    Suitors for the girl’s heart:
    1), the loveable joker, mischievous but crude; always there for his friend, big heart enough to melt the coldest one; a pony-tailed biker, with such lines as “all those women and only one Marky.”
    2), The (6 ft 5”, handsome, dark and polite chap. Movie star looks, but unaware of his fortune,a
    banker by trade; but the girl’s favourit for his mildness of manner. .
    3) The Tall, 6 ft 3” Sean Bean look alike, obnoxious manner, a loyal friend and of high intelligence but cynical as all Yorkshire men, also a biker and a heavy metal fan.
    4) The flat mate Trecky, smaller, pale, choosing not to eat food that is green, often given to grunting instead of saying good morning, but an excellent sense of humour and artistic, if only in making special effects such as would be seen in the average horror film. What he can’t do with latex can’t be done.
    Deep down, believes he is Dracular.
    The four characters share an insane hobby that is to dress up in mediaeval costumes
    and fight with real swords. 2) wears his prize knight’s cloak and 3)
    decides to wear the full steel armour, being “100% blade.”
    1) is dressed as a werewolf and 4) a vampire, naturally!
    The girl is dressed for the kill in her best full length black bond girl dress: back-less with a complex thin satin tie that holds up the front enough to confound the greatest code breaker. In this dress, everything is left to the imagination. The heels are high, way too high to be sensible, rendering her five ft 8” and will prove her ultimate downfall.
    It’s raining hard, and the pub is in the country, i.e. off a dirt road somewhere in Surrey; being responsible the group arrive by cab as none would drink and drive.

    Tactics and strategy:
    1)’s tactic, crack the dress-code as soon as possible, hang the consequences but have enough honour to tell her following a last minute pang of guilt, having taken all of one hour’s careful study.
    4) decides to hold a kissing contest to see which girl (and guy) makes the best kisser. Giving marks out of ten as he goes, but forgetting to keep count and going back to recollect the data.
    2) and3), The best of friends, generally holding back, choosing discretion, the better part of valour in any knight worth his sword.
    All other members of the public are in plain clothes, except the land lord who is dressed as a St Trinian, despite fair warning that it was fancy dress code.
    2) has already anticipated the rain and has offered the girl his prized knight’s cloak. Hand made and earned by great effort. Involving winning many fights but not as many as 3), a sore point.
    The pub closes, half past twelve or so, On leaving, the girl breaks her shoe in the grate, but being of bendy ankles is uninjured but for her pride.
    4) As closest friend, comes to the rescue, and ‘helps’ the girl, but with no attention to detail, such as to ensure his cargo is the right way up, or ask permission.
    However, a little weak, and the worse for Guinness, he is unable to sustain his act of kindness for more than three steps, his task hampered by uneven ground and a cloak that is somewhat in the way. tso drops her in a muddy puddle outside the pub door, by which time the girl has decided to take both shoes off and go it alone. Clearly, she is surrounded by insane incompetence.
    2) Horrified at the scene, quick as a flash, rushes to rescue and reveals his true colours, ”no! my cloak!!”
    3) with the greatest of ease picks up all eight and three quarter stone of woman up in delicate and discrete fashion then carries her half a mile in full armour despite her plea to be put down.
    On arrival home, 1 has a grin, 2 has a long face, 3 has the kettle on, and 4 has a traffic cone, naturally.
    Homework:
    A, Which one got the girl?
    B, Which one ought to have got the girl?
    C, Which one had the girl’s best interest at heart?
    D, Which characters predicted the outcome?
    E, Which one still dresses up as a knight?
    The only poetic licence was that 3 was not ‘100% blade’, as he supported Sheffield Wednesday making him an ‘Owl’. The rest is 100% true.
    Can’t think who the girl was.

  13. Laughed ’til I thought I’d choke. For years, I’ve used the following expression to describe the advice of well-meaning dunces, “… like taking sex lessons from a well-read nine year-old.”

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