Note: this post was written initially on 22 October and added to as new helpful hints came to me. And a reminder that we predicted a Trump victory on 1 January 2016. I’ll soon have a Stream article analyzing the polls. More or less expanding this, this, and this.
Those of us on the side of Tradition and Reality are besides ourselves with glee this fine morning. We fought the good fight and in pitched battle beat back the black forces of Ephemera and Desire, forcing their retreat. A glorious triumph! You will pardon us for our enthusiasms, which are bound to occur. You will forgive us our I-Told-You-Sos. You won’t mind our celebrations.
Take heart, Dear Sad Loser! Do not begrudge us our moment, for our brio, our vivacity will be short-lived. Sobriety is on the horizon. Two things temper our happiness.
One: knowledge that our victory is only partial and destined not to last. The Doom and Destruction you wish for are still on their way. The Equality and Diversity you love so well will still kill us all.
But not today.
Two: We cannot be completely happy because we know of your deep melancholy, your terrible despondency. Our hearts are big: We feel your pain! Therefore as a service to you, the forlorn, some helpful material.
If you are determined and can’t imagine living in a world with a President Trump and so cannot be talked out of the ultimate self-sin, then please take care not to leave a mess behind you. Don’t be rude. Here is a list of working blast furnaces. Jump into one of those and there won’t be so much as a grease spot left. And, as a bonus, you’ll have a brief foretaste of Hell.
Canadian Real Estate
Many of you pledged to migrate to the Great White North if Trump were to win. Now’s your chance to keep your word! Lena Dunham, Miley Cyrus, Cher, Whoopi Goldberg, Rosie O’Donnell, Samuel L. Jackson, The Reverend Al Sharpton (yes), Jon Stewart, Spike Lee, and Barbara Streisand, all promised faithfully to vamoose northwards. In this way Trump’s victory is magnified. Think of it: Our new President promised to Make America Great Again. Clearing out the riffraff is a great start!
List of celebrities who promised to leave American if Trump won. pic.twitter.com/aAnlebGU0q
— Paul Joseph Watson (@PrisonPlanet) November 9, 2016
Immigrating to Canada is not trivial. Although Canada is pretty darned Enlightened, they don’t yet have fully open borders. Completely unfair, discriminatory, and probably racist. But there you are. Still, rules are rules, so before you load up your battery powered clunker, check the official requirements and restrictions.
Canadians are crazy about a game called hockey, which you need to learn. It is played by large white men, many of whom do not speak English, who slide around on narrow blades on an ice field with the goal of getting their “puck” past an opponent’s “crease” and into their net. Sounds plenty sexy, doesn’t it? It’s brutal. Just look up “elbowing.”
Incidentally, there is no better way of learning about this great game than in reading the life of Don Cherry, hockey’s official spokesman.
An open secret is that the English language undergoes a metamorphosis once you cross the border, eh. You’re going to want to know about beer stores, 2-4s, tuques, homo milk (you homophobe), and many more. Here are helpful sites which translate Canadian into English: here, here, here, and here. (Yours Truly grew up on the Canadian border, eh, and so heard these terms watching the CBC.)
Bad news: once Canadians find out why you want to come, they might not take you. I suggest lying.
Moving costs money, and suicide isn’t attractive. Do not fret! You can always turn to the bottle, a cheap way to escape Reality.
Now everybody knows rotgut malt liquor and non-name booze is cheap and effective. But why sacrifice taste as you slide toward oblivion? There are plenty of tasty whiskeys to be had for under twenty-five bucks a bottle.
The virtually unknown but recommended Mellow Corn at 100-proof can be found for under fifteen dollars. An exceptional bargain. Here is a list of other selections, nice on the palate and easy on the wallet. Drink up, Sad Loser! The first one is on me.
Of course, once Trump begins to round up his opponents (this means you) and deports them to FEMA concentration camps, you won’t have access to liquor stores. So you’ll want to know how to brew and distill your own booze. Pay attention to the tips at the Home Distiller site while you still can.
Ignore all the above, and click this and enter your address. Light a candle for Trump.
God bless Hillary supporters, God bless our new President, and God bless the United States of America.