Climate Skeptic Conspiracy Strikes!

I have never been part of a conspiracy before—there was never the opportunity—so you can imagine how excited I am about finally joining one.

It’s true that, in 1978, I, my sister, and a neighbor once piled bales of hay into a fort behind the garage and started an exclusive, invitation-only club. But we never got past the election of officers, nor did we have a chance to initiate any blood oaths, much to my bitter disappointment.

So I am truly juiced about being back in the game. Clandestine meetings, secret passwords and handshakes, furtive glances across train station waiting rooms. Regular readers know that I already have the fedora. Well, I also have a trench coat. Now I’ll really be able to put them to use. It’s going to be great!

Of course, I haven’t been contacted by any other members of the conspiracy yet. In fact, I have had little communication with anybody about the subject of the conspiracy. But it can’t be much longer until I’m in.

How do I know this? Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the IPCC and sex novelist, was asked by the Financial Times, “Do you think there is an organised effort to demolish your reputation and the reputation of the IPCC?” He replied,

It doesn’t take a genius to arrive at the conclusion that apparently this is carefully orchestrated. These things are certainly not happening at random.

Carefully orchestrated. Not happening at random. There it is! The first spooky signs of a conspiracy. And I’m going to be in on it.

Incidentally, before we get back to Pachauri, I want to tell the Fellowship (for this is what I imagine their name is) that I have distinct theories about manufacturing and maintaining stealth. I want them to know that I can contribute, that I am worthy.

For example, here’s one hot tip. Sunglasses are out: too cliche and a dead—emphasis on dead—giveaway. And from my years of studying the “progressive” mainstream media, I am an expert on plausible deniability.

More Pachauri:

…I would say [there are] nefarious designs behind people trying to attack me with lies, falsehoods [alleging] that I have business interests…What [the Fellowship] are indulging in is skulduggery of the worst kind. I’m reasonably sure that very soon people will realise the truth and they would also question the credentials of some of the people who are behind them.

I don’t want to get down to a personal level, but all you need to do is look at their backgrounds. They are people who deny the link between smoking and cancer; they are people who say that asbestos is as good as talcum powder—I hope that they apply it to their faces every day—and people who say that the only way to deal with HIV/Aids is to screen the population on a regular basis and isolate those who are infected.

There is clearly a very obvious intent behind this whole thing. I’m certainly not going to be affected by it. I’m totally in the clear. I have absolutely nothing but indifference to what these people are doing.

Despite his comment that he has “nothing but indifference”, The Fellowship has clearly unhinged our man. He wants us to rub asbestos on our faces. Every day! That must be the oddest death fantasy ever publicly admitted.

The FT tried to pin him down, “Who exactly is the ‘they’ that you are pointing to, and what do you think is the purpose of this campaign?” Our man replied, “They are people who deny the existence of the human influence on the earth’s climate.” Which is nobody I know of. I have heard of people—I am one of them—who claim the influence is minimal and not especially worrisome.

But the FT reporter caught scent of the conspiracy. He asked, “Do you think they have other backing?” The reply:

The presumption is since these people are spending so much time trying to write all kinds of malicious articles and indulge in invective, there would probably be some resources that are flowing to them. It’s all part of a pattern. But let me clarify. I have no proof. I can only presume something like this is at work.

So he knows the Fellowship is out there. He even suspects some of the names. The only reason they would be skeptical is because of cash gifts.

But he has no proof! He admittedly has no evidence. Don’t you see what that means?

It must mean that the conspiracy exists. No other conclusion is possible: the logic, so far as I can discover, is air tight.

So I can’t wait to join. I can’t wait especially to partake of some of those malicious monies of which Pachauri spoke. I’m going to be rich!

21 Comments

  1. But you missed the most significant item.
    The fact that there is no evidence *is* proof of the incredibly tight-knit way in which your Fellowship is organised.

  2. I anxiously await the flow of resources of which he speaks to start flowing in my direction. Or perhaps I missed too many Fellowship meetings already.

  3. The man is daft. As long as I don’t inhale any of that asbestos I rub on my face every day, then I am pretty safe, yes?

    In graduate school I had a professor who maintained that all talc deposits also contained asbestos (another belief maintained without evidence– cosmetic grade talc doesn’t contain asbestos) and so even that soft, scented talcum is a menace.

  4. I don’t know Briggs.

    Your outing of the fellowship this publically does not speak well of your ability to be part of our conspiricy. If you persist in exposing it to the world like this, how can we use up our supply of guttering candles stuck in beer bottles that we use for inadequate illumination in the basement meetings that we hold?

    And, by the way, it’s not “the fellowship”. We are The Synchopation because it sounds kinda sciency and musical at the same time while remaining mysterious.

    Just to encourage you, despite this breach of security, I have instructed AxxonMumble (we have code words for everything) to send you several checks to continue your work. Pay no attention to the fact that they appear to come from Greenpeace and the WWF.

  5. No no we must keep up to date and become the fashionable Illuminati.

    After all did not Umberto Eco describe in Foucault’s Pendulum how everyone one met to discuss the great secret that had been uncovered except nobody knew what it was?

    Whatever if it is secret, complete with elaborate rituals, so utterly corrupt that its tentacles reach up amongst the highest in the land and it is hugely profitable to boot: then count me in.

    But by the way on a more serious note talcum powder, whilst essentially harmless, changed in the early 1970’s when manufacturers employed new grinding techniques that produced a powder so fine and soft, it was usually described as deluxe in the UK, that due to its small aerodynamic profile and low density, broadly comparable to smokes, that it was inhalable in terms of reaching deep into the lung.

    Initially it was very popular for its astonishing softness and smoothness but once the danger had been recognised the manufacturers withdrew it voluntarily and as far I know it has not been made for some thirty years. Talc today is awful gritty by comparison.

    Kindest Regards

  6. At least he’s being consistent. No evidence means that it’s 90% certain that something exists.
    He has a lot to lose, not just in ego terms. All those lovely directorships on company boards will evaporate the moment he stands down. Of course that is evidence of vested interest, so naturally doesn’t count.

  7. Proof shcmoof.

    Can’t you guys see he doesn’t need any danged proof.

    He’s got a sixth sense, extrasensory powers, special incantations and all.

    And in his culture, you can add reincarnation.

    No doubt, he is in communication with wise ones from the past who give him unquesionable knoweldge.

    After all, the séance is settled.

  8. Does the fellowship use a secret decoder ring? If so, do they all drink Ovaltine? That would, of course, be the best way to guarantee success. Can’t wait to tune in tomorrow. I think I heard Daddy Warbucks in the next room.

  9. No JAE

    You don’t understand. We have our moles just as Big Brother has His. Our moles investigate Him and His moles just as His moles do too. Or is it the other way about? Or do they investigate each other? I forget.

    Anyway do try to keep up. There are huge research grants awaiting those ready, willing and able to undertake the arduous task of examining the mysteries of moleology on a suitably rigorous academic basis.

    So here is to those little gentlemen in black velvet.

    Kindest Regards

  10. B. Humphreys

    Briggs is probably trying to draw attention away from the fact he is a member of the inner conspiracy – the conspiracy within the conspiracy* – a group with extremely opaque but no doubt deeply disturbing goals.

    * I have absolutely no proof that this exists, which of course almost certainly means it does.

  11. This is old news. We’ve known for years that “big oil”, “big coal”, and evil minded senators are behind an organized disinformation campaign… to destroy the planet.

    There is no other explanation for our failure to act on the ovewhelming evidence for catastrophic anthropogenic global warming. The evidence is everywhere!

    …unless they’re putting something in our drinking water. oh wait, I hear that black helicopter again – gotta go.

  12. Hey Briggs I bought your book does that cash count.

    ps. I have lotsa real Moles in the back yard do you need any…..

  13. I emailed Exxon and asked for money. (I occasionally post comments that are mildly sceptical. I suggest $20). They did not reply. The lesson is clear no-one is allowed to join who wants to join.

    Also, real members never talk about it. Like I haven’t ….

  14. The Fellowship needs to recruit a lot of attractive, large-breasted women. Then maybe Pachauri will come over to our side.

  15. Either I was the only one who had a vision of tossing “The Hockey Stick” into “The Cracks of Doom” when reading this post or I was the only one who didn’t think it was too obvious an image to post up.

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