Update Don’t miss the astounding update at the bottom.
Koko, the angry talking gorilla, has, according to its handlers NOE Conservation and The Gorilla Foundation, delivered a New Years Message to one and to all! We are told by its minders that it said, “I am gorilla, I am flowers, animals. I am Nature. Koko love man. Earth Koko love.”
Koko, knowing it is a gorilla yet curiously identifying itself as a flower, went on to say, “But man stupid…stupid! Koko sorry, Koko cry. Time hurry. Fix Earth! Help Earth! Hurry! Protect Earth. Nature watches you. Thank you.”
Analysts expressed surprise Koko was pagan, with many having argued in the past that Koko was “friendly” to Scientology. Yet a spokesman for the Gorilla Foundation emphasized that Koko had the ability to “communicate with humans in sign language”. That plus the gorilla’s belief that Nature was “watching” us removed all doubt about Koko’s religious status.
After Koko finished, Reporters immediately contacted the Corporate Crustacean Continuum for the annual rebuttal from Larry, “The Loquacious Lobster”. Larry has been giving its rebuttal to news events of all kinds for nearly fifty years running, and it’s always a media event.
Larry communicates in a form of modified sign language, mainly by wiggling his antennae, and, given he hasn’t a face, by using a friendly star fish as punctuation. The video and translation is below. Readers are warned that Larry has become old and crotchety: this transcript has not been expurgated.
Official Message from Larry the Loquacious Lobster:
Koko think’s it’s a flower? Koko’s an ass. Koko is two bananas short of a bunch. Only an monkey would think that Nature is watching us. This is what happens when you swing from vines. You flounder around and fall on your head. A lot. I’m glad I’m a fish. And don’t get me started on lobsters not being fish, you ichthyophobe.
Fix Earth? It’s going to take more than a sturgeon to fix monkeys who think the earth is in trouble. And what’s with all this hand waving? This isn’t talking. It isn’t even dumb mimicry. I’ve met unschooled parrotfish with more to say. I’d rather be French kissed by a lamprey than be forced to listen to a monkey who thinks it can talk. The coincidence between a monkey putting its finger up its nose and language is a fluke. And, believe me: I know flukes. Flukes aren’t even fit for sushi. Talking monkeys! We ought to grab a pike and make Koko’s trainers walk the plankton.
That’s it. Get out of here and leave me alone. Where’s my nurse? She’s late with my peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich.
Scientists have not only taught gorillas like Koko sign language, they have also been able to teach them that they will die.
A press release from the foundation announced that Koko the gorilla—the main subject of its research on ape language ability, capable in sign language and a celebrity in her own right—“was quiet and looked very thoughtful” when she heard about [Robin] Williams’ death, and later became “somber” as the news sank in.
The answer to the titular question is that people are even more insane than previously suspected.