William M. Briggs

Statistician to the Stars!

Social Justice Warriors! Marvel Announces New Movie At #HugoAwards

Publicity photo from the upcoming movie showing the team in action.

Publicity photo from the upcoming movie showing the team in action.

Marvel’s new Social Justice Warriors! preview took the Hugo Awards by storm. And so did the team itself, who shocked and gratified attendees by using their mutant powers on the award ceremony itself.

Rather than hand out five major awards, which might have gone to authors who produced works of readability and quality, the social justice warriors of the Social Justice Squad slithered into action and, in an exquisitely staged show, mock-battled the Forces of Intolerance and squashed the awards.

The team snatched the best novella, best short story and three others out of the hands of judges mere seconds before they were given to deserving writers instead of favored minorities. The heroic team immediately called a press conference at which they shouted in unison, “Diversity!” And then they vanished!

Hugo Award judges who helped organize the faux-battle were quoted as saying, “This is good for speculative fiction. Our awards were in danger of being known for merit. With the help of the Social Justice Squad, everybody now knows our real purpose is inclusion and equality.”

Just who are these valiant Warriors of Progress?

Quota Girl. A man pretending to be a woman, Bruce Bannthem in his alternate identity of Quota Girl scours HR employment rolls the world over for statistical disparities and discrepancies. Armed only with a wee p-value, Quota Girl can prove to the satisfaction of an appointed judge that a white man with an IQ of 156 hired as aerospace engineer should be passed over in favor of encephalitic woman of color who believes calculus is an oppressive tool of the patriarchy.

Emasculatron. A man pretending to be a man, ex-Womyn’s-Studies-major Lance Mincey is already well known because of his famous catchphrase, “That’s not nice”. His body is able to secrete a Riatlin-like substance which stops any man or boy dead in his tracks, putting them into a coma-like state where all they want to do is scrapbook and join random conversations and say, “Somebody’s feelings might get hurt.”

Title 9 Acerbic-mannered Judith Katz was laboring away in the sub-sub-basement of an obscure Washington department, when one fateful day the air conditioning was turned down. Katz transformed and became Laqueesha Jones, a.k.a. Title 9, a self-identifying black woman with the chilling powers of bureaucratization. It was she who invented the paperwork that self-identified victims of microaggressions and triggerings could file with college administrations.

Look for Social Justice Warriors! everywhere.

21 Comments

  1. Hilarious!

    Robin, to the wind-powered Obamamobile!

  2. I read that as each batch of work, good or bad, was outvoted in favour of some Biblical character known as Noah Ward, there were cheers round the hall.

    Were I a SciFi writer, I would grow a full foot taller in my rage.

  3. Who is the hero who is able to teleport anyone in the vicinity of badthink to a universal safe space, complete with puppies and approved leaflets?

  4. Our awards were in danger of being known for merit? Horrors! We can’t be rewarding people based on merit. But wait, I sense a problem. Having an award means merit. Now it’s time to shut down the Hugo Awards and replace them with the “Here’s Your Trophy for Nothing ceremony”.

    (There are some sane people still out there: http://www.parenting.com/news-break/nfl-player-returns-sons-participation-trophies)

    Actually, I kind of like Quota Girl. She has the greatest chance of actually imparting reality to these individuals when their child needs a brain surgeon and the male lesbian transvestite who barely passed biology but was such a diverse fellow he/she had to be hired shows up to do the surgery. Sure, your kid is going to die, but diversity was served and that’s all that’s important.

  5. You have forgotten Euphemista, the label-shifter, the Social Justice harpie able to exchange plain words for emotionally-pleasing substitutes. Who cannot admire her handiwork in turning global warming into climate change? Or taxation into governmental investment? It was she who deftly crafted Planned Parenthood out of the hideously accurate term, cold-hearted abortion factory. Her ability to morph what everybody knows to be true into what the willing must believe is worked by her minions in the media and academia, but it is she who inspires and animates their efforts. Her touch is magical and irrevocable. Once a phrase or name has been shifted, it never returns to its former state. The new label persists while the old fades away like a dream. Euphemista is nearly invisible, yet she leaves a destruction in her wake that is so exquisite, only the truly cognizant see it for what it is — the crippling of thought through the manipulation of language. The rest, if they notice at all, praise her work as noble Progress and fall in worship at her feet.

  6. Gary, that is good. Your own?

  7. @Jeff Wood
    Yup, just extra-inspired this morning, I guess.

  8. But I thought everybody was supposed to receive an award for participation. It’s not fair if they don’t. Where is Fairness Man when he is needed?

  9. Gary: Yes, that was very good.

    Ray: Fairness Man man is trying to explain to Hillary why it’s only fair that Joe Biden run for president, even though she was promised to be the nominee. It’s taking longer than expected.

  10. Shamezaam – able to shout “Hater” up to 1,000,000 times in a single second. The super power of a singe million-man march or “#insert race here#-lives matter” demonstration every second.

  11. I like the ideas for other members of the Social Justice Squad. Keep ’em coming!!

  12. Let’s get a time machine and go back 30 or 40 years to when sci-fi (or “speculative fiction”) didn’t know about diversity and the new age. Or perhaps there’s an alternate universe where Clinton wasn’t elected and all this didn’t transpire.

  13. I remember reading about sad puppies and rabid puppies awhile ago … was it here?

    Bob
    Haven’t paid much attention to Hugo awards in awhile. Except for Harry Potter (Goblet of Fire which I didn’t even know was a Hugo winner) and maybe a couple others…

    The last two Hugo awards I remember reading were LeGuinn’s Left Hand of Darkness and The Dispossessed from about 40 years ago.

    Left Hand would probably have passed muster with the Social Justice crowd as it was about a sexually ambiguous race of people (think amphibians that apparently can switch sexual roles).

    Both were very meritorious books (as I remember).

    I was reading some of the Sad Puppy stuff about George Rape Rape Martin and his support for Social Justice Crowd.

    My wife read the first Game of Thrones tome and quit after George killed off all of the likeable (meritorious) characters.

    Tried to watch same but would rather watch good science fiction than bad soft porn.

  14. George R.R. Martin will be so proud of their bravery!

  15. John B(), with respect to the “Left Hand of Darkness”, did you mean “amphibians” or really mean “ambidextrous”? (The human species in “Left Hand of Darkness” were asexual except for a period each month when they came into “kemmer” and would become either male or female and would mate. ) The object of Ursula LeGuin’s novel was to show how male/female sexuality affected politics and social structure; Theodore Sturgeon tried something similar in a story whose title I’ve forgotten.

  16. Bob

    How about ambisextrous (or was that your intention and spell checker “fixed” it?) I was referring to amphibians where females can become male if there is a lack of males. A couple of SFF I’ve read used that as a plot twist including Jurassic Park. In LHOD you got the impression that they were otherwise male-like.

    LeGuin had quite a number of good series. Loved Lathes of Heaven (the movie), finally read the book realizing it was very much a PKDick story only better executed, although like what I’ve read of PKD

  17. Another member of the Social Justice Squad is Psycosis97, the fabricator of psuedo-scientific psychological research papers purporting to demonstrate the deeply delusional imaginings of his opponents. Although his compulsive efforts relentlessly recapitulate his original irrational ideation, Psycosis97 can’t be ignored because his superpower sways the weak-minded into abandoning all critical thinking. They echo his meme without so much as a whisper of doubt about its veracity. It makes them impervious to critical commentary and the results of simple mathematical calculations. Psycosis97 is vulnerable, however, to journal editors with a little bit of spine who reject his papers outright or retract them when their glaring flaws are revealed.

  18. Grimnong is a bit under the weather, and reckons the sky really is falling and it’s gunna get horribly worse in a century. Sorry I can’t think what’s next as my imagination got lost in global warping.

  19. SWJs always look like they belong in that bar from Star Wars.

  20. Gary in Erko ,

    Of course the sky is falling. If it wasn’t falling, it would float off into space and that would be really, really bad.

  21. Where is the Social Justice reverend to bless and sprinkle the festivities, Punctilious Pilate or Holy Baloney or something like that.

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