William M. Briggs

Statistician to the Stars!

Briggs Is Available To Speak. Update

Here I am demonstrating a magic trick.

Here I am demonstrating a magic trick.

You’ve seen the videos…You’ve read the papers…You know the blog…Now hire the man!

For a limited time only—All men are mortal, Briggs is a man, etc.—W. M. Briggs is available to loom over your audience and speak words that drip with eloquence (dripping eloquence!), fly with profundity (flying profundity!), and only occasionally sound like gibberish (gibberish!).

On what subjects does this fairly remarkable man have mastery? On what topics might you expect him to contribute mightily too? Here is only a smattering:

  • A Citizen’s Guide To Global Warming Gather a group of citizens who are not scientists and who range from dismissive to concerned to worried to fearful that global warming will strike us all down, and have them listen to the sober and, it must be admitted, somewhat dull truth that the world’s weather is not all that bad. This approach has been demonstrated to work, with citizens leaving the talk 32.48% less nervous than before they came.
  • You Can Be Catholic And Not Fear A Falling Sky This is the same as above, but with emphasis on Laudato Si’ and other Church documents and matters that appear to put the Earth in a place above its lowly station. Man was not made for Earth, but Earth for man, and by golly, She had better get used to the idea. And think: to worship Earth is to venerate dust.
  • Too Damn Sure If you’re using classical statistical methods in any way, shape, form, or imagination, you are too damn certain of your results. Why? Well may you ask “Why?”, but it’s more important you understand that over-certainty leads to consternation, confusion, calumny, and many other ill-fated words that begin with C. Start your path down the Third Way, and entirely new (old) way of understanding what’s happening to your data.
  • The Nature Of Human Nature Briggs is a self-awarded bio-ethicist, a distinction forced upon him by the plenitude of putrescent propositions proffered by the professoriate. Take a tour through the forest of forgetfulness where men misremember who they are, a dark place only if you follow. Can it really be true that there are no truths? No. It can’t be.

Other talks hand-crafted upon request. Consult this smorgasbord for ideas.

“Did he say ‘hand-crafted’, mate?”

“He did, aye. The pretentious git.”

“Why couldn’t he have said he could talk on other subjects like an uprightly man?”

“Maybe his mind’s been addled. Spent too much time with the dark forces of Marketing.”

“Could explain why he’s always on about wee p-values.”

Briggs makes his (oh so meager) money from folks like you hiring him. Do your duty.

Update Got this email:

I enjoyed your recent contribution in the Stream taking the President to task on his false assertions about climate. As a filmmaker I think you and your comments refuting his false assertions (with the caption – climate scientist and statistician) interspersed within his broadcast could go viral. Your arguments have the power of genuine science behind them.

Anybody have a camera with an uncrackable lens?

5 Comments

  1. RE: “…the plenitude of putrescent propositions proffered by the professoriate.”

    It is sagacious to eschew obfuscation and espouse elegant elucidation.

  2. I’ll take your word for it (you seem trustworthy enough) that the image above is demonstrating a magic trick. Did you just make a hat disappear? It’s a rather awkward karate move and a poor rendition of the Vulcan “live long and prosper” hand gesture. Not so bad for a road construction flagger directing traffic.

  3. Well, maybe I could convince my company to have you come and speak at one of our conventions so you can explain to mgmt that the “Bernoulli Effect” should not be employed for Social Darwinism.

    JMJ

  4. Briggs, I have it mind to hire you — big bucks! — to harangue audiences of young men about their appearance, and how to dress as True Men, instead of their current fashion of dressing as satanic buffoons.

  5. You mean we should all dress like Truman Capote?

    JMJ

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