William M. Briggs

Statistician to the Stars!

What The Republicans Didn’t Learn In Middle School. Guest Post by Mrs X

coolk

Editor’s note: This column comes from somebody I spoke to when I was at the Heartland Climate Conference, ICCC-10—1, 2, 3—and who wishes to remain anonymous. It came at a perfect time because I am today heading up to Ithaca to teach for two weeks.

Since the election of John F. Kennedy, the Democrats have been the cool kids, with a couple of exceptions (Jimmy Carter, Hillary Clinton). They are the ones with confidence, and a laid-back attitude. If they were not smoking pot behind the portables, they were smoking it somewhere else. They are popular, and they always have plans for Saturday night beyond a shoe-polishing party with dad.

Republicans, even the ones born to wealth, are earnest strivers. They are the ones who wear pressed pants to school, and are always seen in a collared shirt. They might not get the best grades, but they are the hardest workers.

Since the beginning of time, the cools kids have had a way with the not-so-cool kids. Say one of the nerds has something that a cool kid wants (a piece of gum, a Twinkie, a sharp pencil). The cool kid has three options to separate the wanted item from its rightful owner: charm, steal, or mug.

Using charm is the most preferable method because it leaves the nerdy kid the mistaken sense in that he (or she) has caught the attention of one of the demi-gods and that that piece of gum may be the key to entrance into the inner circle.

Stealing also works, and if done on the sly, the fledgling Republican will never know who actually took the Twinkie, but they have their suspicions (and likely a list).

Outright mugging—that is, full-on theft, where the thief and victim see each other during the transaction, is the least desirable method, but it works in a pinch. The downside is that it leaves the muggee with an enduring distaste for the mugger.

President Obama is the undisputed cool kid. All the newspapers and news outlets tell us so. While the GOP has the majority in the Senate, the casual observer would never know it. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says that Obama has done an “excellent job” of pushing the trade deal. Wait, there’s more. The speaker also said that working on the trade pact closely with the White House “has been almost an out-of-body experience.” Sounds like the president got a lot more than a stick of gum.

Not-cool presidents want to be cool, too. Since its emergence as a health threat, AIDS has been an acknowledged pet cause of the left. George W. Bush increased AIDS funding dramatically, with impressive results. But, his actions won him no love from the progressive wing, and in fact, they doubled-down against him. A case in point is the Iraq war, which had wide bipartisan support at the outset. It wasn’t long before the president was thanked with the “Bush Lied People Died” campaign. Bush tried to get an in with the cool crowd by supporting one of their key issues, and it didn’t work.

What grown-up politicians should have learned in seventh grade is that the cool kids want to be friends with other cool kids.

Sure, as a not-cool kid, the cool kid may find some use for you. You might get invited to the party, and you might get a note passed to you in class. But you’re not coming to the family dinner, and you’re not going to have late-night phone calls with your new bestie. The sooner the GOP leaders (and certain members of the Supreme Court) learn this, the better.

Poor McConnell is expecting Obama to make good on his promise of a bourbon summit. If past is prologue, he will be waiting a long time.

12 Comments

  1. Most of what GOP leadership says is theater for us peons, and I usually ignore it. It’s what they do that matters, and, given that, it’s clear that they want big government and don’t care about the Constitution. They aren’t nerds who dream of being cool. They are dishonest conniving snakes who are as responsible for fundamental transformation as the openly Marxist Democrat Party.

  2. I would agree that the problem with Republicans is they do want to be the “cool” kids. That’s the only explanation for their completely irrational behaviour, calling working with Obama almost an out-of-body experience (out-of-your-mind experience would have been more accurate). They do not understand that only Democrats are the cool kids and if you want to be cool, you have to BE a democrat. It’s not the policies (they’re all failed anyway, but followers don’t really care or are too blinded by adoration to notice), it’s that you’re a Democrat and part of the team. If the Republicans want to be the cool kids, they will have to become Democrats. Of course, that makes the competition for seats much greater and fewer would ever get to Washington, so they keep trying to be faux Democrats and still get the Republican base to vote for them. So far, it’s working. Gruber may have been right—Americans are stupid. Or at least a significant portion of them.

  3. “Republicans, even the ones born to wealth, are earnest strivers. They are the ones who wear pressed pants to school, and are always seen in a collared shirt. They might not get the best grades, but they are the hardest workers. ”

    AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

    Oh God, that’s funny stuff.

    JMJ

  4. “It’s what they do that matters, and, given that, it’s clear that they want big government and don’t care about the Constitution.”

    You took the words right out of my mouth. It’s never been about being ‘cool’ or even respectable for that matter…….it’s always been about gaining/maintaining political power.

  5. Today the Republicans are just Democrats lite.

  6. The distinction must be made (it’s implied in some of the comments) between Republican party faithful–the people at the bottom of the pyramid, voters, members of county committees, etc–and those in the upper echelons. The latter are concerned mostly with pursuit of power and are, to a great degree, “Democrat Lite (I’m a bystander, but because of my wife’s involvement have attended many meetings of county chairs who are trying to reform the party) “. It’s a question of which presidential candidate will move us from the corrupted party apparatus, overpower it and dominate it, to get back to fundamental liberties.
    PS–I enjoy giving a shortened version of the above spiel to paid solicitors for Republican organizations–National Committee, Republican Senatorial Committee, etc. They still keep calling, however.

  7. “Republicans, even the ones born to wealth, are earnest strivers. They are the ones who wear pressed pants to school, and are always seen in a collared shirt. They might not get the best grades, but they are the hardest workers.”

    Haha, good one.

  8. “They are the ones with confidence, and a laid-back attitude. If they were not smoking pot behind the portables, they were smoking it somewhere else.”

    Apparently accurate. No one spoke up to say Dems don’t smoke pot, weren’t full of confidence and laid back. No complaints about that characterization. Good.

  9. ” A case in point is the Iraq war, which had wide bipartisan support at the outset. It wasn’t long before the president was thanked with the “Bush Lied People Died” campaign. Bush tried to get an in with the cool crowd by supporting one of their key issues, and it didn’t work.”

    If I were saying statement like these I would want to stay anonymous.

    Democrat supported the war because the Bush administration lied about the reason for the war. If anything democrat were guilty of believing that Republican were not greedy to point of using a national tragedy to profit private companies like Halliburton, the biggest winner of the war.

  10. La Logue Carabine

    June 14, 2015 at 10:09 pm

    Oops! Follow up comment please?

    Forget the clothing , get a mug or sign, or just steal an image to put in the lower left corner of all the slides in your presentations?

  11. Is there supposed to be a different link at the AIDS section?

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