A seventy-year-old man auditions to play the lead in Model Detective, a film about a Victoria’s Secret swimsuit model who solves beach crime, and he is turned down because he is a man. Sex discrimination. Not only that, but the woman who lands the role must fit into the pre-designed costume, and, while wearing it, must make men swoon. This excludes a wide swath of womankind from consideration. Body-shape discrimination.
Harvard University’s Literature Department needs to fill its chair in LGBTQWERTY Greeting Card Gendered Semiotics Theory. Fluffy, the mouse chaser from the male-dominated Department of Physics, applies for the job and is turned down because Fluffy thinks store-bought greeting cards are inane. Species discrimination.
Middle schooler Witu Lo, who longs to be an airline pilot, applies to Thomas Jefferson High School, in Fairfax County in Virginia, but is turned down because that school has reached their fill of Asians this year. Race discrimination. But the school takes Laquisha Jones because her demographic characteristics are more desirable. Demographic characteristics discrimination.
Country wants to elect a new president and has a choice between Mr Black and Mr White. Many vote for Mr Black because he is not Mr White. That same country, after Mr Black’s term expires, faces a new election with candidates Mr Hombre and Mrs Mujeres, and most decide for Mrs Mujeres because her (natural, non-surgically facilitated) absence of Mr Cojones. Presidential discrimination.
Apple Corporation casts it net for a programmer for its new iPencil, a battery-operated writing device which only writes on paper1 produced by factories Apple owns in the Far East, a product sure to take the world by storm. It decides to hire a person who knows how to program. Python discrimination.
The op-ed section of the New York Times has been light since once its writers slipped into an inner-dimensional vortex produced by publishing one too many logical paradoxes. They print an ad asking for “An op-ed writer who believes discrimination is abhorrent.” The person who wrote the ad also disappeared into the vortex. Paradoxical discrimination.
Clothes make the man, or so Bruce has always believed. He also always believed he would make a terrific nun. Combining these ideas, he had a suit of nun’s clothes made, and every year in May he ventures to the Vatican to be taken in as a postulant. He is repeatedly turned down. Bad habit discrimination.
Ever since he was a little boy, when his uncle, Nasty Jack, took him there, Marty has loved the zoo. So much that he often ventures over the wall after hours. Last time Marty was there, the zookeeper caught Marty misconducting himself with a goat. The zookeeper kicked Marty out. Horned ruminant discrimination.
The sale of adult diapers continues to surge, and that is partly because of folks like John (he prefers Widdle Johnny) Bittle. Widdle Johnny identifies as a six-month old, and demands to be treated like one. He enjoys feedings, bath time, and pooping. Widdle Johnny recently tried to enroll himself in his local Head Start program, putting himself forward as “an advanced infant” but was turned down because he was too old. Age discrimination.
Wesleyan University, a fine progressive institution, has entry requirements for students which insists students meet certain intellectual standards. While reading and writing do not appear to be among these, ability to do well on tests such as the SAT do. Sally, who self-identifies as a female wishing she were a male pretending to be a female, scored only minimally on the SAT, but wanted desperately to matriculate at Wesleyan so that she could study with Professor Hassemänner, famed author of IQ Tests are Racist and Sexist, a work often cited by courts when penalizing companies which try to hire based on SAT-like tests. Sally was turned down. Intelligence discrimination.
Bobby Joe and Joe Bob, southern transplants who claim to be married to one another, run a sign-making shop in the Castro District in San Francisco. Big Sal comes in and asks for some banners to be made up that he can hang at his place of work. They are to read, “Homosexual Sex Is A Sin”, “Two Men Can Only Pretend To Be Married”, and “Keep That Kind Of Thing Up Without Asking For Forgiveness And Boy Will You Be Sorry”. Bobby Joe and Joe Bob refuse. Banner discrimination.
If only we can end discrimination, the world would be a better place!
1The iPencil will only work if the writer also owns an iPhone.