William M. Briggs

Statistician to the Stars!

Live from Copenhagen, The Benny Hill Show!

Note: please ask permission before copying in toto.

Cast:

Barack Obama as Benny Hill

Wen Jiabao as Little Old Bald Guy (wigged)

Nicholas Sarkozy as The Frenchman

Angela Merkel as Sexy Prime Minister

Robert Mugabe, Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, etc. as Extras

Set up:

Benny goes to Copenhagen to get the world’s leaders to sign a climate Agreement. Farcical results ensue.

Players in position? Set the camera to skip-frame. Aaaaaand…Cue the saxophone.

Daaa, dah dit duh dah-duh, dit dah dit duh…(you’re going to have to use your imagination here, folks; or click here—clip is from the UN!).

Earnest Obama came to Copenhagen to talk. “The time for talk is over“, he talked. So, to avoid becoming a living contradiction, the remainder of the show will be conducted mute, set to our beloved theme song.

The action begins with Benny (Obama) toddling into the wrong room, where the little old Bald Guy (Wen Jiabao) is in a secret meeting with other ministers. Sexy Prime Minister (Merkel) is behind a screen, changing into her treaty-signing clothes. The Frenchman (Sarkozy) silently smokes.

Benny starts slapping the head of Bald Guy—who is refusing to sign the Agreement—and chases him around the table. They knock into the screen. We see the color of Sexy Prime Minister’s lederhosen! Bald Guy’s wig pops off. He replaces it, but its off-center for the remainder of the skit.

Bald Guy runs out of the room, followed closely by Benny. They come upon the Extras (Chavez, etc.) who are climbing over one another to gain possession of a microphone. A television Cameraman focuses on the microphone as it passes from one despot to the other. Who will win?

What a tangle of bodies! Chavez squares his shoulders and charges Mugabe, who hits Ahmadinejad over the head with a homemade “Capitalism is to Blame” poster (the material of which was bought, on sale, from Office Depot).

Alas, the battle is all for naught. We see the sad faces of the Extras as the Cameraman follows Benny and Bald Guy into the crowd.

Daaa, dah dit duh dah-duh, dit dah dit duh…

It is chaos. Benny and Bald Guy attempt to negotiate a twisted path through the throng, but are stopped short by a group of people dressed as chickens. The people-poultry are arguing with a rival gang of activists on stilts, who want the disputed ground to put on an anti-global warming puppet show.

A third faction, all wearing “Brad Pitt battles Global Warming” t-shirts, start pushing the stiltled onto the chickens. It’s a melee! The police arrive and begin indiscriminately plonking everybody in site. Benny and Bald Guy narrowly avoid being biffed. One of the chickens throws eggs at the police.

Two patrolmen, aiming for the egg hurler, miss and swat each other with their nightsticks. They turn to look at us, simple smiles on their faces, as they crumple to the ground.

It’s then that the crowd notices Benny, Old Guy, and the TV Cameraman. All three gape, look at each other in comic horror, then run. The crowd, shouting wildly, follows.

Daaa, dah dit duh dah-duh, dit dah dit duh…

Our Trio retreats back towards the room where the Extras are now sitting dejectedly. But they are brought to life when they see the returning Cameraman. They join the throng.

Benny and the others turn a corner, where we see several buxom snow-bunny protesters (dressed as provocatively as the censors allow) bending over to lace their boots. As they tie, they neglect their “There Is No Planet B” and “Don’t Nuke the Climate” signs.

Our Trio grab the signs and hold them up to obscure their faces. The crowd rushes past!

Benny and the others lower the signs. Each does an exaggerated “Whew” forehead swipe. Benny suddenly remembers the purpose of his visit and holds up his pen in one hand, the Agreement in the other, and offers it to Bald Guy.

Who is having nothing to do with it. Bald Guy runs off toward the building. Benny and Cameraman pursue.

Meanwhile, the crowd realizes it has been duped. It backtracks, sees the retreating Trio and follows once more.

Daaa, dah dit duh dah-duh, dit dah dit duh…

The Bald Guy enters the original meeting room—where the Frenchman still sits silently smoking—with Benny hot on his steps. The crowd has caught up and squeezes into the doorway, pushing the Cameraman into Benny, who falls over Bald Guy who, once more, knocks the screen over. Sexy Prime Minister is made once more to reveal her secrets!

Unfortunately for Bald Guy, he has fallen onto the Agreement, which he realizes he must sign. We see that as he does so, his fingers are crossed behind his back. Benny doesn’t notice this and smiles triumphantly.

The skit ends with a camera focusing on a page from the New York Times: “Mr. Benny Hill [Obama] noted that the United States would note [sic] be legally bound by anything agreed to in Copenhagen on Friday, and that, due to weather in Washington, he was leaving ahead of a full vote on the agreement.”

Aaaaaand…Cut to commercial.

6 Comments

  1. This one seems to have a Copenhagen-esque feel to it as well ;->
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVS3QqrXhD8

  2. To paraphrase, alas poor Alf I knew him well.

    Not that well to be sure, professionally our paths never crossed at all allthough they might have done. We used to chat about it idly sometimes.

    He was a Francophile you see who loved nothing better than to while away the day in the winter warmth of the South of France. lingering at the outdoor tables of some Bistro after lunching lightly on an omelette and bread with a glass of wine and eyeing up the girls.

    I regret him much.

    These days I winter in the rather warmer south of Spain where I should be now except for some unforseen difficulties, Still I shall be out there in the new year and away from the cold.

    Which will be a blessing. Especially with heating oil at 50p a litre and a central heating boiler [furnace] with an insatiable appetite.

    Kindest Regards

  3. Dah-Dah-dit dah-dah? GM? Well, a GM to you to but hardly comes close to the rhythm of Yakety Sax. I do recognize, though, that not all of us were born under the Rhythm Method.

    Dah,Dah, di-di-di-dit, Dah, Dah,di-di-di-dit …

  4. Ah good sir, once again you have amused my inner harmony. Thanks for sharing another one of your creative spells with us.

  5. Merkel in her underwear could only be of interest to Sargent Schultz types.

    http://www.thelocal.de/national/20090501-18999.html

    You should have included some of the local union girls in your skit. I hear they were providing services for free to anyone with a conference badge.

    Next, how about a skit along the lines of the Three Stooges staring Al Gore, Prince Charles and Rajendra Pachauri.

  6. I think something more along the lines of a three stooges bit fits well too:

    Copenhagen! Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch…

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