William M. Briggs

Statistician to the Stars!

Winners Announced In The Rename “Global Warming” Contest!

The thing that was Global Warming is to the left.

The thing that was Global Warming is to the left.

On 17 July we started the Rename “Global Warming” Contest. This produced 66 entries, which is a record for contests here. Thanks to everybody who participated. I think we’ve done a lot to assist our forlorn environmental brothers and sisters.

Forlorn? Yes. You see, for decades gloomy-eyed environmentalists have been telling us that Global Warming was going to destroy us all. Unless. Unless what? Unless they were put in charge of the world’s economy and the personal habits of each and every citizen of the planet (excepting those peoples excused through mandatory diversity and multicultural requirements, and also excepting those put in charge, of course).

These environmentalists sure scared the bejeebers out of a lot of folks with their talk of ever increasing dangerous calamitous unstoppable tipping point runaway Global Warming. Prediction after prediction of the excruciating horrific pitiless Death By Heat that awaited all of us were made, and were believed.

Only problem was that the weather didn’t cooperate with the forecasts. Oops and drat. And heartache among the enlightened when they realized their old catch phrases could not longer put the fear of Gaia into the congregation.

Thus was born (the tepid) “Climate Change”, a banal phrase that nobody in the world doubts, or ever doubted. And it isn’t even scary. It did have the advantage of being true, which “Global Warming” conspicuously lacked. But it never packed the oomph needed to attract the crowds.

A manic depression settled over the environmentalists, awful to see. The hyperactive melancholy became so bad that even rationalists began to feel sorry for the enviros, and thus, in the spirit of Christian love and brotherhood, was born our contest.

We wanted to find the phrase or phrases that would shake listeners to their core, to frighten them into making rash and stupid decisions like “Global Warming” did in the glory days. Have we succeeded? Let’s see.

Here are the list of notable and winning entries. Winners will be contacted by email and will be invited to write a 300- to 400-word essay on What I Learned From Global Warming, which will appear on this site (we’ll see who replies!).

(Oh, I did ask our pal Gav Schmidt to be a judge, but he never responded. I’ll be sure to let him know about the winning entries, so he and his fellow grant writers can start using them right away.)

Ironic and comical names were excluded automatically. Only the genuinely macabre made the cut.

Runners Up (in no particular order):

  • Mike (with shout out to Frank Hebert), “Global Weirding”
  • Sander van der Wal, “Climate’s Revenge”
  • GS, “Climapocalypse”
  • Mike B, “Anthropogenic Biosphere Calamity” or “ABC”
  • Bob Mrotek, “Ob Calefactionem Mundi”
  • Roadki11, “Anomalous Biospheric Collapse Dynamics”
  • RobR, “Acute Global Climate Poisoning”
  • Anders Valland, “Anthropogenic Climate Disruptive Catastrophe” or “ACDC”
  • vuurklip, “Catastrophic Climate Collapse”

Winners (in rough order of preference):

  1. Will, “Thermageddon”
  2. Bruce Foutch, “Climageddon”
  3. Alan Cooper, “The Anthropaclysm”
  4. Tom Scharf, “Ecopocalatastrophe”
  5. Sundance, “Global Greenhouse Gas Chamber”
  6. John, “Climactic Climatic Calamity”
  7. Yours Truly, “Apoplectic Apocalyptic Anthropogenic Atmospheric Aneurysm”

9 Comments

  1. Yay, I’m a runner up!

    Just as well I didn’t win, all I have learned from global warming is that I am in the wrong career…….

  2. Congratulations Will!

    Perhaps you can use this as the thermageddon theme song:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZY9_Xr5XPA

    Check out the Sax guy’s Flame-O-Phone beginning about minute 1:00.
    🙂

  3. Ha! vuurklip (translation: fire stone) is of course a major contributor to Global Weirding!

  4. Ha! That the first and second winners combined Greek and Hebrew and English and Hebrew roots (a solecism that cries to Heaven for justice) shows just how seriously we are to take this ‘competition’ without even considering that the judge included his own entry among the winners!

    I repeat, Ha!

  5. I would have entered “Modern Climate Optimum”.

  6. Argumentum ad Climatatum

  7. Oh well, I can’t complain, especially since I seem to have ‘spontaneously’ started using Thermageddeon in my comments. All accolades to Will!

  8. How about “obfuscation incorporating lies” or OIL.

  9. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!!!

    I cannot wait for my forthcoming royalty check from Big Oil, or possibly a Nobel Prize in the works?

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