Rename “Global Warming” Contest

contest

Andrew Jackson (‏@yodacomplex) reminded me of the screwy history of the thing that was Global Warming. The phrase has undergone many revisions, examples of which are:

  • Climate Change,
  • Climate Cataclysm,
  • Climate Chaos,
  • Climate Disruption.

Readers will have noticed the evident Anglo-Saxon preference for alliteration. If only the atmosphere would have cooperated with any of these terms, we’d at least have had a more interesting topic of conversation than The Consensus.

Consensus of what? Apparently that things are worse than we thought. I’ve pointed this out before, but if the same scientists, year after year, step to the microphone and announce “It’s worse than we thought” then the following two facts must hold: (1) these scientists are extraordinarily prone to error—can’t they ever get a prediction right?—and (2) therefore admitting membership in The Consensus is a political and not a scientific act.

Skip it. What’s true is that The Consensus was able to stir and heighten fear—even panic! even syndromes!—using the phrase “Global Warming.” Why no less than the very model of sober propriety, himself, Mr Al Gore, was made nervous enough to make a movie—and then make millions selling carbon indulgences.

Never mind. Familiarity bred its contempt and took the edge off Global Warming, but then so did the lack of global warming. So The Consensus switched to Climate Change. This was a winner in the limited sense that the climate always changes, so at least scientists wouldn’t be embarrassed by frequent flubbed forecasts. Fear rose.

But it never soared to the same heights as before. Hence quickly followed the other monikers. Yet honesty compels us to admit they were poor performers. The glory days of Global Warming are but a dim memory. People stopped caring.

This has had the effect of casting a pall over a once happy group of environmentalists. Before, Greenpeace operatives would chase you down the street, bean you over the head with their white three-ring binders, while cheerfully but adamantly delivering a “Do you have a minute to save the environment!” It was never a question, it was a mini-sermon. Whereas now they stand sullenly, offering only a weak grin and a view of their t-shirts, hoping this will be enough to enchant you into a conversation. Pathetic.

Think of all those who have devoted their lives to assuring us that the End Was Nigh! How sad, how bereft they must be! Christian charity, common human decency, requires us to take pity on these newly created intellectual vagabonds. It is our duty to cheer them, to show them hope is not lost. After all, we wouldn’t want them to all move to Belgium just so they could use that country’s generous disposal services.

Hence this New Contest to rename Global Warming. Let’s put the macabre back in meteorology! Let’s cause flesh to creep over climatology! Come on, gang: let’s get that sky falling again!

RULES

All entries must be made in the comment box below by 23:59:59 EDT 23 July 2014. One week, ladies and gentlemen.

I will be asking my pal Gav Schmidt (via Twitter) to be a judge. He might accept, too, since this contest is for his benefit. But upon his refusal or non-answer, I become the sole judge and jury.

Entries will judged on brevity, power to instill terror, memorability, and originality. The words of all entries must begin with capital letters (so I can find them).

Winners (there may be more than one) will be announced in a separate post and in this one. The winners, besides receiving the approbation due to them, will be invited to write a 300- to 400-word essay on What I Learned From Global Warming which will appear on this site. I will be in touch with the winners to arrange the details (so please use the right email when you register your entry).

Candidate #1

My entry, probably unbeatable, especially if I am to be the judge:

Apoplectic Apocalyptic Anthropogenic Atmospheric Aneurysm

Update I don’t want to single anybody out, but don’t forget the spirit of this contest. We’re here to help our sad brothers and sisters. That means a name like (I’m making this up) “Climate Silliness”, accurate as it might be, isn’t going to instill fear and panic.

66 Comments

  1. I want to change CO2 from “greenhouse gas” to “snuggly blanket gas that keeps us warm at night”

  2. I will parody the unreality of AGW with the unreality of reality tv:

    IPCC’s Next Hot Model

    Although that hardly instill terror. Another option:

    Plant Pabulum Produces Perilous Planet

  3. Global Weirding

    (not mine, but can’t recall who coined it and thought it should be considered)

  4. Climate Progression

    or maybe

    Progressive Climate

    The new PC! The treat of having to write an essay is enough for me to want to lose. What is second place?

  5. For the sake of truth in advertising, call it “Climate Conundrum” and just admit we only understand enough to be confused by it. A “wicked” puzzle according to Dr. Judith Curry.

    Definition of CONUNDRUM (Merriam-Webster)
    1: a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun.
    2a : a question or problem having only a conjectural answer.
    b : an intricate and difficult problem.

    Word Origin & History (Etymonline)
    conundrum: 1596, Oxford University slang for “pedant,” also “whim,” etc., later (1790) “riddle, puzzle,” also spelled quonundrum; the sort of ponderous pseudo-Latin word that was once the height of humor in learned circles.

  6. Falling Skies

    I know it’s been used but the confused might recognize it without remembering why.

  7. Seeing that Heat Death is already taken and as it doesn’t convey how horrible, horrible human beings are I thought of: Anthropic Entropy.

    Anthropic Entropy is to be suffered in the middle regions of the Globe as Anthropic Tropical Entropy (for which nations may seek compensation at UN meetings) and as Anthropic Antipodal Entropy when detected in the South Pole…

  8. (Sarc alert)

    Global Greenhouse Gas Chamber (in reference to those who were gassed for denying the German scientific consensus that found them inferior & unfit to live)

  9. 1) Catastrophic Climate Crisis
    2) Catastrophic Climate Collapse
    3) Catastrophic Climate Crash
    4) Curtains for Climate
    5) Deadly Climate Distortion
    6) Climate Waterloo

  10. OMGTWIEAWAAGTDUWAALSV

    Oh My God The World Is Ending And We Are All Going To Die Unless We All Adopt Liberal Social Values

  11. Acute Global Climate Poisoning (AGCP). Caused by Human Injected Carbon Poison, which can cause Climate Fevers, Chills, Cyclones, Droughts, Floods. This Poisoned Climate has been shown to cause every single calamity known to planetary flora and fauna. Unless the Atmosphere is De-Detoxified of Carbon Poison the whole of Mother Earth will become an uninhabitable wasteland in 10, 20, 40, 100 years.

    There that should do it.

  12. Climate Croquemitaine (got that continental vibe)
    Cosmic Doomsday Countdown ( ‘CDC’ is a nice, if already claimed, set of initials…)
    Prius Party Pooping
    Hot Tub Earth
    The Sauna Scenario
    Deep Fat Fry
    The End Times

  13. Worldwide Global Climate Devastation Destruction

    Climate Terrorism

    Thermo Carbon Bomb Cataclysmic Apocolypse With Zombies

  14. Ok, I was going to enter “Global Bull Schmidt”, or just “Bull Schmidt” but I’m not sure I want to denigrate the bovine population. 😉

  15. How about some pessimism: “Global Cooling”

    or realism: Liar, Liar, there’s no fire

    or we could be liberal (i.e. smarter and holier than you) about it:
    “Global ad baculum”;
    “Climate begging”;
    “The global reification fallacy ”

    Or, if you want a book title:
    “Climate begging: the global reification fallacy “

  16. Climate Chaos.

    The confusion of the mathematical usage of the term, as originated by Lorenz, with the general layman’s usage, allows the same sort of propaganda “consensus” we have come to expect. The vast majority of technicians will agree with the specific proposition that weather and climate are described as “chaotic” systems. The vast majority of low-information adults will agree with the general proposition that order is better than chaos. So, of course, it is UP TO US, sooner than later, to DO SOMETHING.

  17. Calamatous Climactic Climate (that was the other one)

    Don’t know if the 3! (factorial) ways of ordering would work or not …

    I’ll leave that as an exercise

  18. Scorched Earth – for which we’ll need a scorched earth policy…
    TEOTWAWKI – from the preppers
    Decadal Dessicating Decimation
    Planetary Toast
    Parching Pandemic
    Terrestrial Annihilation
    Slow Burn
    The End is Sear

    ==dave==

  19. Of the above, I like Mike B. the best
    17 JULY 2014 AT 11:46 AM
    Anthropogenic Biosphere Calamity or ABC for short.

    But this would tend to produce derision instead of fear amongst Australians.

    Climate Hell
    Climate Inferno
    are both succinct and fits the religious nature of CAGW. To recapture the alliteration either could be used with ‘the Coming’ and ‘Impending Climate Inferno’ produces ICI which would be pronounced ‘icky’.

    I think that’s the best I can do: score my contribution “Impending Climate Inferno (icky)”. May be Gav will like that.

  20. Climate Carbon Contagion

    Carbon Weaponization

    Climate Carbon Infection

    Anthropogenic Carbon Discharge

  21. 1. Climate contamination
    2. Catastrophic climate manipulation
    3. Emergent climate disruption
    4. Climate destabilization

    My favorite has been, and continues to be, Thermageddon.

    – Will

  22. Anthropogenic Climate Disruptive Catastrophe – ACDC for short. Gives them the opportunity to put rock’n’roll into it and gives it a scent of rebellion. That last part is important to help them get away from their current corporate, in-your-green-lined-pockets-style.

  23. All we need is a new anthem

    The sun is out
    The sky is blue
    There’s hardly a cloud to spoil the view
    Oh God it’s Catstrophic Anthropological Climate Change
    We’re all going to die

    (Apologies to B. Holly)

  24. Man-Made Atmospheric Carbon Congestion and now with Super-Exponential CO2 Heating it’s better than ever!

    Because it’s worse than we thought!

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