My dad took a swing with his nine-iron and the wiffle simulacrum of a golf ball took flight, arched upwards, spun left and, without bouncing, *landed atop my favorite blade of grass*! Yes, this really happened.

That a nasty little white plastic ball with holes drilled through it would land on my favorite blade of grass could not be a coincidence. I mean this in the full quantitative sense. For if these calculations are correct, and there is no reason to suggest they are not, my father’s back yard has in it about 1,204,346,880 individual grass blades (his yard is just over three-fifths of an acre).

That makes the chance that my very favorite blade would have been viciously assaulted to be just over **one in a billion!**—a number so incredibly small that it should be written in bold font. Now whenever you see a probability so low, it can only mean that some kind of directing force, some guiding principle, some entity must have had a hand in causing the event. There’s just no other way to get a low probability!

And since I can think of nothing else, the cause must be global warming, a.k.a. climate change, a.k.a. climate disruption, a.k.a. climate tipping points, a.k.endless.a. etc. Take that skeptics!

Or so reason the people who lately claimed that the “U.S. heat over the past 13 months” was only a “one in 1.6 million event.” After making this dubious calculation, it was argued that because the result was so incredibly tiny, something-that-could-only-be-global-warming caused the temperature to take the values it did.

The 1-in-1.6-million came from the NCDC via reasoning like this: a month’s temperature can occur (they claim) in one of three buckets, below normal, normal, above normal. The chance it “falls” into one of these buckets is 1/3. Therefore, seeing 13 months in a row of monthly temperatures in the above-normal bucket has a probability of (1/3)^{13}.

Ignore the simplification about the buckets and the assumption of a 1/3 chance that a month’s temperature lands in any bucket. Rather, accept them both as true. Then, given we believe in these premises, it is indeed true that the probability of 13 out of 13 “above normals” is 1 in 1.6 million. Ok then. Now what? It was also true that the probability my dad’s wiffle ball would crush my favorite blade of grass was 1 in 1.2 billion.

Now it is also true that the probability of any sequence of 13 monthly temperatures is the same: e.g. below-below-below-normal-above-above…above has the same chance as above-below-above-below-above…below; you get the idea. This means if I see one of these sequences—and I must by definition see one of them—the event I witness will be “rare.” Just as the ball-blade meeting was rare.

The argument is then supposed to be that since this probability is so low it could not have happened “by chance.” But chance doesn’t cause anything. There is no wily devil-in-the-machine rolling cosmic dice to determine outcomes of temperature or wiffle balls or anything. Instead, something physical caused the temperature sequence to take the values it did, just as something physical caused the ball to land where it did. If it is this “something physical” in which my interest lies, I do myself no good at all by calculating dubious probabilities and then worrying over them. I should better spend my time investigating real causes then in inventing probabilistic bogeymen.

Calculating probabilities the way we did in these two examples is to purposely, willfully turn a blind eye to all the evidence we have about actual monthly temperatures and actual clubs hitting real balls, and then to say to ourselves, “These probabilities are so low that there must be physics that we purposely, willfully ignored.” When we were kids we had a comeback about Sherlock when hearing observations of this kind (but since this is a family blog, I won’t repeat it).

For the golf ball, I’m ignoring where my dad routinely stands relative to my favorite blade, the distances balls fly when hit with a nine-iron, and on and on. For the temperature, I’m ignoring just about everything there is to know about temperature, which is a lot. Such as how on 30 June the temperature does not “reset” itself so that on 1 July it begins anew, and so forth. It really is a sad business to pretend we don’t know all of this and then to intimate that that some mysterious cause, like global warming, is the real culprit for actual events.

Low probabilities are not proof of anything—except that certain propositions relative to certain premises are rare. If those certain premises are true, then so are the probabilities accurate. Whatever the probabilities work out to be is what they work out to be end of story. If the chance a ball hits my favorite blade of grass is tiny, this *does not mean* that therefore global warming is real. Who in the world would claim that it is? Yet why if relative to unrealistic premises about temperature buckets the probability of 13 out of 13 above-normal monthly temperature is tiny would anyone believe that therefore global warning is real? You might just as well say that the same rarity of 13 out of 13 meant therefore my dad was a master golfer. The two pieces of evidence are just as unrelated as were the rarity of the grass being hit and global warming true.

If our interest is in different premises—such as the list of premises which specify “global warming”—then we should be calculating the probability of events relative to these premises, and relative to premises which rival the “global warming” theory. And we should stop speaking nonsense about probability.