Jan 31 2008
Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows
A new study by scientists has suggested that zombie attacks might increase if the current projections of global warming are realized. “If the earth gets warmer, it means longer springs, summers, and falls, and shorter winters,” said John Carpenter-Romero, Ph.D., a zombie-ologist who co-authored the study. “And shorter winters means more time for the undead to prey on the populace.”
Dr. Harrister, the other co-author, and head of Zombie Robotics at Wayward Robot, Inc., explained that cold winters typically stalled the walking dead. “It is well known that zombies can’t operate in cold weather. It freezes their brains.”
The pair calculated a 32.782412% increase in zombie attacks if CO2 increased to twice its pre-industrial rate. “Clearly, this is a very troubling result,” said Dr. Harrister, “If we don’t do something soon, the streets will be filled with blood.”
Update: be sure to read the follow-up post: Zombies no joke, global warming can cause anything.
Ha ha ha! Bravo!
The study did not take into account the effect of global warming on the zombie’s habitat. This is a concern since zombies, by nature, only seek human prey if they are forced out of their lairs. This means GHG producing humans must shoulder any blame for deaths that result from these helpless displaced zombies
More importantly, computer models show that the zombie habitat will be completely gone in 100 years which will certainly lead to their extinction as a species. We must act now and place zombies on the endangered species list to ensure that this tragedy does not come to pass.
Leading researches agree that zombies have no “lair” and wander about the landscape in search of “delicious” brains.
Professor Ackers of the German Institute of Zombie Research found that they follow their pre-undeath patterns.
The good news is that zombies have a significantly lower carbon footprint than living humans. For example, if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore his utility usage and air travel would go from several hundred tonnes of carbon per year to zero tonnes of carbon per year. There would be considerable emissions as his corpse underwent processes of decay but this in turn would be offset by reduced flatulence.
Generalize these figures across the population and we can see an inverse relationship between zombie attacks and carbon emissions leading in time to a reduction or reversal of warming trends and consequently of favorable zombie habitat. A new stable state might be brought about within a matter of decades provided zombie outbreaks can be encouraged in heavy emitting states including mainland China.
[…] A day ago my number two son and I sat over a bottle of wine and he suggested that if global warming caused temperatures to increase, then we would see an escalation in the number of zombie attacks because, obviously, there would be less cold weather, which everybody knows slows attacks from the undead. I wrote this up in the approved New York Times format, and, to my astonishment, some people thought I was joking. […]
Thanks to BigBlueJon over at FreeRepublic.com who reminded us of this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkaxjymbfS0
[…] […]
This is another perfect example of the liberal media in this country!! My father actually worked with, and herded , zombies in the wild before becoming interested studying their habitats and tendencies. He received his degree from Rutgers in 1977, and since then has done exhaustive research on the North American Zombie (even there mating habits, which he later wrote he found repulsive, yet strangely erotic), and these claims simply are not true, if anything in the last 12-15 years there has been a dramatic DECREASE in zombie attacks, Does science and common sense mean nothing to these peolple !?
Pshaw! If zombie activity has decreased, how do you explain the outcomes of recent elections?
Zombie voters, I tell you!
[…] A day ago my number two son and I sat over a bottle of wine and he suggested that if global warming caused temperatures to increase, then we would see an escalation in the number of zombie attacks because, obviously, there would be less cold weather, which everybody knows slows attacks from the undead. I wrote this up in the approved New York Times format, and, to my astonishment, some people thought I was joking. I was not. The post was in earnest and was an attempt to put into perspective the hundreds, if not thousands, of ?studies? that purport to show the ills that will befall us when global warming finally strikes. There are three problems with these studies. The first is their ridiculous variety, nowhere better cataloged than at NumberWatch?s ?Warm List?. That page contains links, mostly to news reports to studies that ask us to believe that, for example, lizards will undergo sex changes, there will be ?waves of rape?, a rash of camel deaths will occur, the Earth will spin faster (hold on!), and, worst and most frightening of all, there will be an increase in lawyers (to handle all the ?who?s fault is it?? litigation, you see). William M. Briggs, Statistician ? Zombies no joke: global warming can cause anything Oh my, now another thing to worry about. Is Al Gore infected? He needs to make a bigger deal about this. __________________ "A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity." - Sigmund Freud, General Introduction to Psychoanalysis […]
Well I was not concerned about Zombies until this research. I have just spent a sleepless night worrying about it. Dr Harrister at what temperature should I go and hide? Also do you know of any research on Bunyips regarding the effects of increased temperature. I’m from Australia and they are believed to be about down here. Our Bureau of Metrology here reported that 2007 was the hottest recorded year ever and 1.68 degrees hotter than something.
For example, if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore
You mean he hasn’t already?
[…] Oh, great. This is all we need. First the presidential campaign and now zombies. The pair calculated a 32.782412% increase in zombie attacks if CO2 increased to twice its pre-industrial rate. ?Clearly, this is a very troubling result,? said Dr. Harrister, ?If we don?t do something soon, the streets will be filled with blood.? […]
…but this in turn would be offset by reduced flatulence.
Reduced flatulence? I don’t know about you, but brains always make me gassy.
@DHMO It is not a matter of the temperature, solely. It is dependent on two main things, the temperature and the number of wild zombies. The Agency of Undeath Services (AUS) states that at any given moment there can be 10-20 wild zombies without any major risk. But as temperature rises, the number will lessen. We calculated that the number will be about 5-10 by 2032. At the moment there are about 12 wild zombies that are being hunted by the AUS.
Other factors include gun control, military power and sexy teenagers investigating haunted houses that decide, “hey! let’s split up!”
Let me get this straight…
They don’t like being out in the sun but they can’t stand the cold? Most of the ones I see were walking around in rags; not a whole sweater in the bunch.
I don’t think this species is nearly as fragile as you people are making them out to be.
Global warming is just part of the evil plan for zomby world domination. And, frankly, some of us are tired at having to burn Java Logs night after night.
I agree with I.i.B. Brains are a spongey kinda consistency, much like re-fried beans. You’d think the toot effect would be rather high…
This is just another example of a an antti-zombie shill. Follow the money, he is obviously a plant by the democrats.
[…] Unfortunately, not one of them mentioned this recent study that shows that zombie attacks might increase due to global warming. We need to stop pretending this isn’t happening and do something now (I’m talking about zombies, obviously). […]
[…] William M. Briggs, Statistician ? Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows A new study by scientists has suggested that zombie attacks might increase if the current projections of global warming are realized.[This is tongue-in-cheek, folks. Otoh, it is giving goofy Algore’s religion all the respect it deserves. -R] (tags: satire global_warming zombies) […]
Darfour is a vivid (so to say) example of zombieland: hot like hell and full of zombies. We should act, NOW, to cool the world.
i liked the idea that most of the biggest companies work for green O2
[…] William M. Briggs, Statistician ? Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows (tags: zombies) […]
[…] I tell you this my friends because I worry about you. My number two son and I posted a “story” about Zombie Attacks Increasing Due to Global Warming, and the thing is linked at hundreds, and at a growing number, of websites. But the next day’s post—in my opinion, my most hilarious—about people willfully turning themselves into Soylent Green to battle climate change didn’t even rate a chuckle. Many of you even took it seriously! You can’t go wrong with Zombies, I guess. (By the way, check out waywardrobot.com today.) […]
Oooooooaaaaaaaah………….. Waaarm……….. BRRRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
If anything can make you despair about the fate mankind, take a look at this snippet from my webserver’s log file today:
24.158.216.235 - - [05/Feb/2008:14:43:46 -0800] “GET /blog/index.php/2008/01/31/zombie-attacks-might-increase-due-to-global-warming-study-shows/
REFERRER
“http://www.google.com/search?q=recent+zombie+attacks”
The emphasis is mine.
Is there something happening out there that I don’t know about?
What? I would have thought that increased sombie attacks would be blamed on George Bush! Everything else is!
RE: “…helpless displaced zombies…”
Hopefully, a guest worker program is in the works.
Sounds like a job for Zombie Squad http://zombiehunters.org
I had a zombie once. Her name was “Fluffy”.
[…] Zombies […]
As someone stated we must work to cool the world down.For this purpose i propose than the world is dunked in cool-aid.And as we all know cool-aid is one of the coolest beverages.This is proven by it being named after the word cool.
So i sugest that everyone march down to your nearest wallmart or something other store and buy some cool-aid.
Dude… you’ll never survive not knowing how to spell Kool-Aid correctly…. how would you ever locate it in say, a Wal-Mart during mass chaos? You’ll be looking all over for some shit called cool -aid that dosent exsist while we’re all rackimg up on guns and ammo… drinking our Kool-Aid… lets come back down to reality shall we
It’s a well known fact that the AA-12 was developed specifically to deal with the escalating zombie problem. The wider angle of projectile dispersion negates the need for pin-point Head-Shots, thus allowing a greater proportion of the general population to adequately defend themselves.
[…] Denna underbara l?nk fick jag av en klimatbekant idag. […]
[…] I got this wonderful link from a “brother-in-arms”. Enjoy! […]
this should be interesting as we have so many in government spots already and no one has noticed yet….will this make them more blood thirsty, more sleepy, more dopey?……
“Zombie voters, I tell ya!”
Why not? We have Zombie candidates don’t we?
> if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore his utility usage and air travel would go from several hundred tonnes of carbon per year to zero tonnes of carbon per year.
True, true. But that would be the only way to tell if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore. There would be no other detectable difference.
“A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity.”
- Sigmund Freud, General Introduction to Psychoanalysis
“I’ve been working on a theory that premature hair loss is caused by sexual dysfunction.”
“But you blame everything on sexual dysfunction.”
“No, I blame ignorance on an abnormally small penis.”
- dialogue from the comic book ‘Flesh Gordon’-
Al Gore’s must be microscopic.
[…] William M. Briggs, Statistician ? Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows A new study by scientists has suggested that zombie attacks might increase if the current projections of global warming are realized. ?If the earth gets warmer, it means longer springs, summers, and falls, and shorter winters,? said John Carpenter-Romero, Ph.D., a zombie-ologist who co-authored the study. ?And shorter winters means more time for the undead to prey on the populace.? […]
[…] Yes indeedy folks, of all the countless imaginary crises?that global warming?is said to cause, endlessly expanding goo that absorbs and dissolves anything is surely the most immediately threatening scientific fairytale! Not even global warming zombies can compete, when amoebas can?eat the dead. […]
I beg to differ. As 1958 science has shown us, the most dire human-eating threat to the world from global warming is giant space amoebas.
http://scottthong.wordpress.com/2008/03/26/sci-fi-reason-13056-we-must-stop-global-warming/
I belive if we dont equip the public with gernades and battle rifles like the ones in halo they might be able to respawn very quickly which may lead to humans scoring 100 or more points per death match which would lead to extensive thumb oprerations which would de evolves back into monkeys something must be done to stop the madness of gory brain eaters
[…] The other day, as a favor, I posted a scientific article from a friend of mine, Dr H. Harrister, PhD, who conclusively showed that fitter people have larger carbon footprints than do fatter people. You might remember Dr Harrister from his famous paper showing that zombie attacks will increase due to global warming. […]
[…] REAL global warming fears have nothing to do with methane bubbling out of that Mexico-with-nukes we call Russian permafrost… but rather, William Briggs, suggests, a more horrifying problem would be a 32.78% increase in zombie attacks. […]
[…] “Zombie attacks to increase due to global warming” rang the headline on this blog seven moons ago. So said eminent zombiologist and scientist Dr Harrister, BS, MS, PhD, OMGWAG. […]
[…] “Zombie attacks to increase due to global warming” rang the headline on this blog seven moons ago. So said eminent zombiologist and scientist Dr Harrister, BS, MS, PhD, OMGWAG. […]
I would think that any warming would increase the rate of decay, so the population of zombies would decrease rapidly.