Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows
January 31st, 2008
A new study by scientists has suggested that zombie attacks might increase if the current projections of global warming are realized. “If the earth gets warmer, it means longer springs, summers, and falls, and shorter winters,” said John Carpenter-Romero, Ph.D., a zombie-ologist who co-authored the study. “And shorter winters means more time for the undead to prey on the populace.”
Dr. Harrister, the other co-author, and head of Zombie Robotics at Wayward Robot, Inc., explained that cold winters typically stalled the walking dead. “It is well known that zombies can’t operate in cold weather. It freezes their brains.”
The pair calculated a 32.782412% increase in zombie attacks if CO2 increased to twice its pre-industrial rate. “Clearly, this is a very troubling result,” said Dr. Harrister, “If we don’t do something soon, the streets will be filled with blood.”
Update: be sure to read the follow-up post: Zombies no joke, global warming can cause anything.
Entry Filed under: Fun, Global warming
45 Comments Add your own
1. Jon | January 31st, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Ha ha ha! Bravo!
2. Raven | January 31st, 2008 at 8:42 pm
The study did not take into account the effect of global warming on the zombie’s habitat. This is a concern since zombies, by nature, only seek human prey if they are forced out of their lairs. This means GHG producing humans must shoulder any blame for deaths that result from these helpless displaced zombies
More importantly, computer models show that the zombie habitat will be completely gone in 100 years which will certainly lead to their extinction as a species. We must act now and place zombies on the endangered species list to ensure that this tragedy does not come to pass.
3. Dr. Harrister | February 1st, 2008 at 2:22 am
Leading researches agree that zombies have no “lair” and wander about the landscape in search of “delicious” brains.
Professor Ackers of the German Institute of Zombie Research found that they follow their pre-undeath patterns.
4. Flea | February 1st, 2008 at 8:25 am
The good news is that zombies have a significantly lower carbon footprint than living humans. For example, if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore his utility usage and air travel would go from several hundred tonnes of carbon per year to zero tonnes of carbon per year. There would be considerable emissions as his corpse underwent processes of decay but this in turn would be offset by reduced flatulence.
Generalize these figures across the population and we can see an inverse relationship between zombie attacks and carbon emissions leading in time to a reduction or reversal of warming trends and consequently of favorable zombie habitat. A new stable state might be brought about within a matter of decades provided zombie outbreaks can be encouraged in heavy emitting states including mainland China.
5. William M. Briggs, Statis&hellip | February 1st, 2008 at 8:59 am
[…] A day ago my number two son and I sat over a bottle of wine and he suggested that if global warming caused temperatures to increase, then we would see an escalation in the number of zombie attacks because, obviously, there would be less cold weather, which everybody knows slows attacks from the undead. I wrote this up in the approved New York Times format, and, to my astonishment, some people thought I was joking. […]
6. Administrator | February 1st, 2008 at 9:19 am
Thanks to BigBlueJon over at FreeRepublic.com who reminded us of this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkaxjymbfS0
7. Doomsday Cometh | MY Vast&hellip | February 1st, 2008 at 9:46 am
[…] […]
8. Benjamin T. Cuddy | February 1st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
This is another perfect example of the liberal media in this country!! My father actually worked with, and herded , zombies in the wild before becoming interested studying their habitats and tendencies. He received his degree from Rutgers in 1977, and since then has done exhaustive research on the North American Zombie (even there mating habits, which he later wrote he found repulsive, yet strangely erotic), and these claims simply are not true, if anything in the last 12-15 years there has been a dramatic DECREASE in zombie attacks, Does science and common sense mean nothing to these peolple !?
9. McGehee | February 1st, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Pshaw! If zombie activity has decreased, how do you explain the outcomes of recent elections?
Zombie voters, I tell you!
10. Global warming and the zo&hellip | February 1st, 2008 at 2:41 pm
[…] A day ago my number two son and I sat over a bottle of wine and he suggested that if global warming caused temperatures to increase, then we would see an escalation in the number of zombie attacks because, obviously, there would be less cold weather, which everybody knows slows attacks from the undead. I wrote this up in the approved New York Times format, and, to my astonishment, some people thought I was joking. I was not. The post was in earnest and was an attempt to put into perspective the hundreds, if not thousands, of “studies” that purport to show the ills that will befall us when global warming finally strikes. There are three problems with these studies. The first is their ridiculous variety, nowhere better cataloged than at NumberWatch’s “Warm List“. That page contains links, mostly to news reports to studies that ask us to believe that, for example, lizards will undergo sex changes, there will be “waves of rape“, a rash of camel deaths will occur, the Earth will spin faster (hold on!), and, worst and most frightening of all, there will be an increase in lawyers (to handle all the “who’s fault is it?” litigation, you see). William M. Briggs, Statistician » Zombies no joke: global warming can cause anything Oh my, now another thing to worry about. Is Al Gore infected? He needs to make a bigger deal about this. __________________ "A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity." - Sigmund Freud, General Introduction to Psychoanalysis […]
11. DHMO | February 1st, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Well I was not concerned about Zombies until this research. I have just spent a sleepless night worrying about it. Dr Harrister at what temperature should I go and hide? Also do you know of any research on Bunyips regarding the effects of increased temperature. I’m from Australia and they are believed to be about down here. Our Bureau of Metrology here reported that 2007 was the hottest recorded year ever and 1.68 degrees hotter than something.
12. Orion | February 1st, 2008 at 11:17 pm
For example, if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore
You mean he hasn’t already?
13. What Have We Wrought With&hellip | February 2nd, 2008 at 10:09 am
[…] Oh, great. This is all we need. First the presidential campaign and now zombies. The pair calculated a 32.782412% increase in zombie attacks if CO2 increased to twice its pre-industrial rate. “Clearly, this is a very troubling result,” said Dr. Harrister, “If we don’t do something soon, the streets will be filled with blood.” […]
14. Ignorance is Bliss | February 2nd, 2008 at 10:31 am
…but this in turn would be offset by reduced flatulence.
Reduced flatulence? I don’t know about you, but brains always make me gassy.
15. Dr. Harrister | February 2nd, 2008 at 11:04 am
@DHMO It is not a matter of the temperature, solely. It is dependent on two main things, the temperature and the number of wild zombies. The Agency of Undeath Services (AUS) states that at any given moment there can be 10-20 wild zombies without any major risk. But as temperature rises, the number will lessen. We calculated that the number will be about 5-10 by 2032. At the moment there are about 12 wild zombies that are being hunted by the AUS.
Other factors include gun control, military power and sexy teenagers investigating haunted houses that decide, “hey! let’s split up!”
16. Mutinousdoug | February 2nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
Let me get this straight…
They don’t like being out in the sun but they can’t stand the cold? Most of the ones I see were walking around in rags; not a whole sweater in the bunch.
I don’t think this species is nearly as fragile as you people are making them out to be.
17. zombyboy | February 2nd, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Global warming is just part of the evil plan for zomby world domination. And, frankly, some of us are tired at having to burn Java Logs night after night.
18. will.see | February 2nd, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I agree with I.i.B. Brains are a spongey kinda consistency, much like re-fried beans. You’d think the toot effect would be rather high…
19. the debator | February 2nd, 2008 at 7:26 pm
This is just another example of a an antti-zombie shill. Follow the money, he is obviously a plant by the democrats.
20. Emission Not Accomplished&hellip | February 2nd, 2008 at 10:47 pm
[…] Unfortunately, not one of them mentioned this recent study that shows that zombie attacks might increase due to global warming. We need to stop pretending this isn’t happening and do something now (I’m talking about zombies, obviously). […]
21. Roscoe’s Public Not&hellip | February 3rd, 2008 at 1:19 am
[…] William M. Briggs, Statistician » Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows A new study by scientists has suggested that zombie attacks might increase if the current projections of global warming are realized.[This is tongue-in-cheek, folks. Otoh, it is giving goofy Algore’s religion all the respect it deserves. -R] (tags: satire global_warming zombies) […]
22. Demesure | February 3rd, 2008 at 8:58 am
Darfour is a vivid (so to say) example of zombieland: hot like hell and full of zombies. We should act, NOW, to cool the world.
23. úŕéěđă | February 4th, 2008 at 8:35 am
i liked the idea that most of the biggest companies work for green O2
24. links for 2008-02-04 &laq&hellip | February 4th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
[…] William M. Briggs, Statistician » Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows (tags: zombies) […]
25. William M. Briggs, Statis&hellip | February 5th, 2008 at 6:44 am
[…] I tell you this my friends because I worry about you. My number two son and I posted a “story” about Zombie Attacks Increasing Due to Global Warming, and the thing is linked at hundreds, and at a growing number, of websites. But the next day’s post—in my opinion, my most hilarious—about people willfully turning themselves into Soylent Green to battle climate change didn’t even rate a chuckle. Many of you even took it seriously! You can’t go wrong with Zombies, I guess. (By the way, check out waywardrobot.com today.) […]
26. Zombie | February 5th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Oooooooaaaaaaaah………….. Waaarm……….. BRRRAAAAIIIINNNNSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
27. Administrator | February 5th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
If anything can make you despair about the fate mankind, take a look at this snippet from my webserver’s log file today:
24.158.216.235 - - [05/Feb/2008:14:43:46 -0800] “GET /blog/index.php/2008/01/31/zombie-attacks-might-increase-due-to-global-warming-study-shows/
REFERRER
“http://www.google.com/search?q=recent+zombie+attacks”
The emphasis is mine.
Is there something happening out there that I don’t know about?
28. Helen | February 8th, 2008 at 11:30 am
What? I would have thought that increased sombie attacks would be blamed on George Bush! Everything else is!
29. Bill | February 11th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
RE: “…helpless displaced zombies…”
Hopefully, a guest worker program is in the works.
30. zombiehunter | February 15th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Sounds like a job for Zombie Squad http://zombiehunters.org
31. c'est moi | February 16th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I had a zombie once. Her name was “Fluffy”.
32. William M. Briggs, Statis&hellip | February 17th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
[…] Zombies […]
33. Quitarias | February 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
As someone stated we must work to cool the world down.For this purpose i propose than the world is dunked in cool-aid.And as we all know cool-aid is one of the coolest beverages.This is proven by it being named after the word cool.
So i sugest that everyone march down to your nearest wallmart or something other store and buy some cool-aid.
34. urban_complex | February 22nd, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Dude… you’ll never survive not knowing how to spell Kool-Aid correctly…. how would you ever locate it in say, a Wal-Mart during mass chaos? You’ll be looking all over for some shit called cool -aid that dosent exsist while we’re all rackimg up on guns and ammo… drinking our Kool-Aid… lets come back down to reality shall we
35. john | March 9th, 2008 at 1:58 am
It’s a well known fact that the AA-12 was developed specifically to deal with the escalating zombie problem. The wider angle of projectile dispersion negates the need for pin-point Head-Shots, thus allowing a greater proportion of the general population to adequately defend themselves.
36. Varmare klimat = fler zom&hellip | March 17th, 2008 at 7:45 am
[…] Denna underbara länk fick jag av en klimatbekant idag. […]
37. Warmer climate = more zom&hellip | March 17th, 2008 at 7:46 am
[…] I got this wonderful link from a “brother-in-arms”. Enjoy! […]
38. kay | March 19th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
this should be interesting as we have so many in government spots already and no one has noticed yet….will this make them more blood thirsty, more sleepy, more dopey?……
39. Mike N | March 19th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
“Zombie voters, I tell ya!”
Why not? We have Zombie candidates don’t we?
40. OBloody Hell | March 21st, 2008 at 1:38 pm
> if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore his utility usage and air travel would go from several hundred tonnes of carbon per year to zero tonnes of carbon per year.
True, true. But that would be the only way to tell if Al Gore became Zombie Al Gore. There would be no other detectable difference.
41. OBloody Hell | March 21st, 2008 at 1:43 pm
“A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity.”
- Sigmund Freud, General Introduction to Psychoanalysis
“I’ve been working on a theory that premature hair loss is caused by sexual dysfunction.”
“But you blame everything on sexual dysfunction.”
“No, I blame ignorance on an abnormally small penis.”
- dialogue from the comic book ‘Flesh Gordon’-
Al Gore’s must be microscopic.
42. Another Overlooked&hellip | March 23rd, 2008 at 11:29 am
[…] William M. Briggs, Statistician » Zombie attacks might increase due to global warming, study shows A new study by scientists has suggested that zombie attacks might increase if the current projections of global warming are realized. “If the earth gets warmer, it means longer springs, summers, and falls, and shorter winters,” said John Carpenter-Romero, Ph.D., a zombie-ologist who co-authored the study. “And shorter winters means more time for the undead to prey on the populace.” […]
43. Sci-Fi Reason #13056 We M&hellip | March 25th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
[…] Yes indeedy folks, of all the countless imaginary crises that global warming is said to cause, endlessly expanding goo that absorbs and dissolves anything is surely the most immediately threatening scientific fairytale! Not even global warming zombies can compete, when amoebas can eat the dead. […]
44. Scott | March 25th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
I beg to differ. As 1958 science has shown us, the most dire human-eating threat to the world from global warming is giant space amoebas.
http://scottthong.wordpress.com/2008/03/26/sci-fi-reason-13056-we-must-stop-global-warming/
45. joe | April 7th, 2008 at 8:09 am
I belive if we dont equip the public with gernades and battle rifles like the ones in halo they might be able to respawn very quickly which may lead to humans scoring 100 or more points per death match which would lead to extensive thumb oprerations which would de evolves back into monkeys something must be done to stop the madness of gory brain eaters
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